Tuesday 7:35pm
I want to rewind time and redo everything in my life. But this isn't some book this is life and I have to face it, I fucked up everything.
I feel like I'm the cause of all this, I hate feeling this way, I hate saying the same shit over, I hate everything I just want to end everything I'm tired of it everyday it's the same shit.
"Yoongs it's been weeks man you sure you good" I look like pure ass, I been half doing shit for weeks now I'm surprise my ass is still alive. "Joon I'm fine if there was something wrong I'll tell you" I say turning my computer off.
I wouldn't tell him shit, I feel like people are just gonna say I'm making big deal out of things. That's what's wrong with people today they take everyone weakness as a damn joke or just get so angry because they don't understand why you feel like that.
They see what you have, something they want but all you see is something you hate. Insecurities. They get mad as if you can't feel that way like I'm sorry last time I checked I'm entitled to my own feeling. I don't have to be pleased with the lowest if I want something above that god damn it that's what I'm gonna get.
I don't want to settle for less and neither should anyone. Always want better and more because why the fuck not, now I just wish I could put that into play and actually fix my mental health but I can't because then I go back into that headspace.
I feel like crying as he stands next to my chair looking down at me. I want to tell him how I been feeling for the past years and years. "Sure" is all he replies before leaving out my room.
I just pushed him away. I practically ran home not bothering to turn on any lights or anything just laid in my bed quietly.
Thursday 5:34pm
Joon
—
Yoongs it's been days since I seen, you good?
Want me to come over or something
I'm worried
I know you don't tell me nothing but I do consider you a close friend you can trust me
—
My phone gets thrown across the wall. Everyone tells me that I can't trust them and it's all bullshit.
My mind went completely blank after that, I just laid in my bed some more. I feel like I'm running out of time to be happy, to actually feel better.
12:23am
I think I have insomnia, I haven't been able to sleep in two years only working on a couple hours of sleep except for that one time I slept for twenty hours. Imagine how hard I cried that day.
My phone dings off on the floor, I make an effort to grab it.
Bro
—
What you doing hopefully not sleeping I need you
Yoon
—
I'm up like always
Bro
—
I'm like driving to get vero something but I don't know where I am, just wanted to talk
Yoon
—
Don't text and drive
Bro
—
Well can I call you
Vero is my brother girlfriend. The girl that makes my brother just as happy as I make him, well that's what I think.
I don't make people happy, I make them worry and annoyed. I believe that's why I don't have any friends because I can't hold up the all the emotions I have way to much of that if that makes senses. Such a crappy excuse but it's true.
I think about people in my life, they pass by my mind like every five minutes and I just wonder if the same happens. Probably not. I'm not that important.
"Yoyo what are you doing up at this ungodly hour" is the first thing my brother say. For once in months I smile because shit it's been some months since I heard his voice. "Just thinking" of course I'm thinking.
Rethinking my life decisions wishing I wasn't born. Wishing I could just fucking end it right now and not have to feel this burn sensation in my chest anymore. "Always thinking, hows the music going" how is my music going.
Haven't been in the studio for days. "Good I guess" I gotta lie so he won't worry, he's gonna ask what's wrong I'm gonna cry he's gonna say it's okay and that's he's always here and I end up being more depressed.
"Cool moms getting better, have you spoken to dad" dad? I haven't heard from my sperm donor in a whole year. "No have you?" I hear him chuckle, "nope honestly forgot about the guy" now it was my turn to chuckle.
"Well I'm already here thanks you know I hate driving alone, be safe and get some rest would ya" the line cut off I guess his phone went dead.
Why would he say that if he don't mean it.
