11:02am
"Checkmate" Jimin announces beating Yoongi once again in checkers, sighing Jimin pushes all the checker pieces away. Namjoon comes by them pulling up a chair sitting the wrong way glancing around the room they were in. "So how's it going with you and your family" namjoon ask watching Yoongi still hold his smile.
Glancing down I laugh slightly scratching at my bandage arm, just a couple days ago I had got tested to see if I was using my medication for the wrong uses. Kind of went overboard and freaked out scratching up my arms, but I'm better now it wasn't something too extreme. "It's going I mean I haven't seen them in weeks all I know is that jae has been going to therapy—I don't think my parents want to deal with me anymore" I say noticing the change in their faces.
"How is jae doing with therapy" namjoon ask not trying to let me dwell on my parent issues, it's a good thing since I don't feel comfortable talking about it. "It's nice he feels like he needs it if that is what gonna help me and his relationship get better" I explain having them agree.
"More about you and seokie" namjoon teases having Jimin and jin lean in more into the table. The glow was different everyone noticed the change in Yoongi smile at the mention of his name. "Where is he?" Jimin adds on as Yoongi sits to collect his thoughts.
Hoseok actually left two days ago back to his parents house his sister birthday is coming up and he promised to spend it with her. Of course I miss him I mean I feel like I shouldn't since I do barely see him but now he's farther away.
"He's away with family he'll come back in a couple days—I miss him" I state proudly showing the smile that he leaves on my face even when he isn't around.
I haven't been counting the days lately...I lost track of time honestly I haven't realized how dazed I've been since—since my first suicide attempt. Being here in this home away from away everyone has made me realize that I haven't kept up with the days like I usually would.
Everything is a blur I don't know how long it's been, my time consisted of many events I don't even remember.
crying.
cold showers.
ice black coffees.
cutting, dying.
meeting Hoseok.
hanging around him more then anyone.
overdosing, hiding the fact that I was still sad because there's a difference between distracting yourself from being sad and actually being happy.
placed in a home.
in a relationship that I'm scared of everyday I wake up.
meeting new people who I don't even know if they are my friends, they told me I'm there friend but is it true?
Truly I am just lost and I keep finding different routes but they aren't leading me any where. I'm constantly inside this daydream staring off until someone taps me back in. Constantly on this airplane that flies me out on this hopeless thought of endless thoughts that brings me down or make me second step.
I can feel it, I can think it, I can taste it, see it....maybe I am getting better because this route I took hasn't had any dips yet.
"hey yoongs" joon saids collectively tapping me back in, I'm spacing out while they are here to visit me. "Sorry just thinking" I reply finally focusing my attention back on them, "does the medication—the stuff they give does it make you loopy" Jimin ask almost fiddling with his words like it's forbidden.
"Uh yeah—it makes me sleep for a long time and makes me much more calmer with my thoughts it's like I can think clearly finally getting my words out" I confess actually feeling the medication kick in. No outburst, no breakdowns, my voice is soft now and not all groggy and choppy like I'm swallowing lumps (which I was) feels like I'm on a isolated island in my mind.
"Do you feel it working" jin ask and for once I forgot he was in the same room as me. Jin and Jimin are very talkative and I'm glad they talk a lot it always leers my head back in not leaving me out in so many loops. "Right now yes—I just hope this drug isn't working for just now and actually helps me feel better—I feel so out of body" I explain to them feeling drowsy once again.
They have me on a schedule here, I'm not sharing a room with anyone anymore. Have my own room and my own time for when I need to get up, I still do circle time but I don't do much of the talking since I'm always out of it.
in the mornings I visit my therapist and we discuss for hours, eat and sleep since that's when my medication kicks in. Wake up have social hour and then I have a choice to visit my therapist again or stay in my room which just results me to going to my room and sleeping. I wake up for the third time to eat and discuss in circle time, do this exercise with my mind and sleep until the next day.
It's painful not knowing why they are just letting me sleep, and cry silently with my therapist for hours. But it's working—I hope it's working I mean it fucking feels like it. What's even more scarier is that I forgot my days.....
