8:33am
Yoongi stares blankly out his window letting the words drift away in a quiet voice, Yoongi has choices. He chooses to ignore the voice that pulls him back in out of fear and hurt. The point is why listen when all they do is lie, broken promises, not useful words, the faded memories.
He remembers the times when he was reaching for the sky and now it's further ahead as he watches it from under water. It's wavy and blurry very hard to make this dream come true.
"Yoon" eyes slowly blinking he looks over at jae with a hum "look I found our old photo album I figured you would like to see old pictures of us for some reason" jae reasons and Yoongi softly but not surely smiles.
Opening the photo album the first picture is just his parents, how happy his mom looked back then. Pictures of his grandmother and her friends, old high school pictures of there mom of course there dad is thrown in.
Flipping through even more they see their older sister who hasn't came around in years, "sometimes I miss Seoungyoo" been so long since he has heard his sister name. "I don't" Yoongi responds kind of cold "why" jae ask as Yoongi takes the book out his hand continuing to flip.
"She's nothing to me—haven't seen her in so long forgot what she look like if I saw my sister walk past me I wouldn't know if that was her, she is not important to me since I clearly wasn't to her" Yoongi confesses avoiding to look at his brother.
"She cares about you yoongs—about both of us she just has her differences—she isn't what you think" jae tries to justify but Yoongi gets stuck on a photo of him as a baby with all his siblings.
"I can't think of her any other way then some girl who promised me until I was six to get me out the house and take me to the carnival and movies—go to the fucking park, eat ice cream after school, play hide and seek" Yoongi eyes travel over more picture and he see how happy he was when he was younger because he was use to the unusual situation. He didn't care about the situation that much when he was younger since unfortunate events always happened to him.
"That's what you wanted from her" jae ask brows furrow watching his younger brother clench hard on the photo album. "That's what I wanted from everyone" he whispers and close his eyes trying to breathe to calm down.
"I wanted that from everyone but I didn't get it" Yoongi repeats still staring off scaring jae a little. Reaching out he place his hands over Yoongi "you can't be stuck on the past Yoons that kills you remember what the therapist told you moving from this is moving on from the past" jae whispers smiling once Yoongi grip loosen on the photo album.
Yoongi head drops as he feels warm tears stream his eyes, he shakes and sniffles which only tears jae. He doesn't understand on what to do, why is Yoongi acting like this?
He doesn't want to fight his feelings but for some reason everytime Yoongi steps into the therapy room he freaks getting so closed in on his feelings. Breaking into a sob he pushes jae away backing into the wall. "Just leave!" Yoongi shouts before turning down curling into a ball.
Yoongi feels like everyone is calling him weak, repeating everyone else words, just wanting him to stop this 'act' he's underwater and it feels like no one cares.
The doctors come in whispering in Yoongi ear as he continues to cry, helping the shaken boy off the floor they take him out the room. "What happened to him" jae ask suddenly standing watching as Yoongi looked more pale then usual.
"Panic attack" the therapist replies simply placing her hand on jae shoulder. "I feel like he isn't getting better and it's all my fault" jae replies sitting back down running his hands through his hair. "It's no one fault—Yoongi is getting better you just need to believe in him" she tells him in a reassuring voice.
9:12am
I stare blankly at the wall as my fingers tap against my skin; all I do is look the other way, walk away, I don't want to stay here. I hate staying in this mindset, I'm so fucking selfish feeling so fucking helpless.
Can't stand another day in this useless, dead, dumb brain. I want to cut my throat and suffer alone and slowly. All I do is make things harder for myself.
Yoongi nails dig into his skin as he starts scratching hard at his skin still having runny tears. Grunting and groaning he rocks as he pulls at his hair. I hate myself so much, I'm a worthless price of shit who thinks of unnecessary shit.
Why did my brain have to do that to me, why is my heart so afraid of everything. The distance between being sane and myself seems both so far I don't know weather to run or hide.
Can't choose on weather I should duck or run with it, I just want to be this butterfly who fly's with no ease but my wings are too heavy. It's thick and dark, with horrible mass of regret. God I wish I was dead right now.
