Tuesday 3:34pm
I didn't talk to her about anything she just held me while I cried. And then afterwards went to the store and brought me sweets to make me feel better, she did make me feel better. But I still wanted to cry some more, I didn't but I wanted to.
Once again I was cleaning but I was only organizing some things since all yesterday morning I did deep cleaning to parts of the house. My mom went to work this time so it was just me in the house. The front door opens and in comes Jae, he looks around "you cleaned up the place I see it was a mess in here" I just fakely nod.
"Why didn't you just clean it" I ask realizing that maybe he didn't care about anything just as much as I do. "Tired of cleaning mom mess, anywhos what are you doing here" he ask placing his hand on my shoulder. I look at his hand and gently take it off my shoulder before walking towards the couch.
"What's with the cold shoulder did I do something" he ask smiling sitting next to me. "Can't believe you went off on me yesterday but I figured maybe mom did something to irritate you" he adds in before taking his shoes off. "Actually mom did nothing to me" I didn't mean for my tone to sound like that but he's really ticking me off here.
"Okay what's up yoongs why you giving me so much attitude" he ask turning his body towards me. "Nothing just been having a hard time" I reply after picking at my sleeve, "okay well talk to me you know I'm always open ears for you" he states rubbing my arm. If he kept rubbing my arm then he would have seen my cut marks. "Are you really open ears for me jae? Been trying to talk to you but every time I do it's like you don't care, you lie to me, hide from me what did I do jae" he's just as shocked as I am.
"Yoongs what are you talking about, I'm always listening to you I tell you every single thing, I would never lie to you and you know that where are you getting this from" I breathe out my nose getting up.
"I don't have to get it from anyone I see it with my own eyes I mean come on jae when's the last time me and you did something together, where we actually talked about something, I wasn't born yesterday jae I seen all the bills and shit scattered all over the table didn't care to tell me about this."
"First of all I'm always free and if I'm busy I'll make time for you Yoongs you know I'll make time for you always, if that's what you wanted you could have told me and second of all I didn't say shit about the bills because that's not our problem it's mom problem do you know how long I been cleaning up after her I'm tired of it doing the same shit over and over so I left it as be, didn't want to bother you with bills, you are young don't worry about that stuff."
"That's the point jae I don't want to be left alone! You wouldn't know that because you never call me or text me all the stuff we use to do is gone as if it never happened, I don't care about the bills it's just the fact you are ignoring me."
"Yoongi don't yell at me, and please don't say I ignore you that's the last I would do is ignore you I love you with everything, I know you hate being ignored so why would I do that to you."
"Your suppose to love me I'm your siblings and don't say you don't ignore me because you do."
"So I'm just suppose to stop my life every five seconds for what Yoongi!? You are arguing over nothing, what's going on with you."
"Wanna know what's going on I'll tell you what the fuck is going on! My life is crumbled been crumbled since day one but guess what during those crumble times I had you and mom but then one day it's like the world forgot about me once a fucking again, you up and left me for these people that I don't even know and then pop up every once in a blue moon and except me to just be all happy and shit, and you know what I do I pretend to be all happy and laugh and then I get use to you being around but then one day you leave after making all these promises so there I am again stuck in the dark by myself crying, feeling all alone, I told you my fear and you abused it, ignore it, but hey I can't feel that way because I want you to live your life."
"But I cant help but feel like you don't give two shits about me, lying to me, ignoring me, months, weeks, days with no text or call that's fucked up what's crazy is that when you did leave me I hated sleeping by myself in the god damn bed but I got use to it so when you did come back my whole body just fucking went into combustion didn't know if I should be happy your here or afraid that your gonna leave, don't even get me started on how angry you make me when you talk about mom like she's some spec want her better then help get involved talk to her, but you won't because like you said that's not your problem and your tired of cleaning up after her."
"You don't care at all jae! Not about me, mom, yourself no one you just drift through life didn't even know that I tried to kill my fucking self!"
