11:54am
It hurt it truly does knowing I failed again at killing myself. Why do I continue to embarrass myself, I'm going to be knowing for the guy who failed two times at killing himself. That's so embarrassing it stings so much making my wrist itch.
After two weeks of constant watch at the hospital, no one eyes ever leaving mine, countless shouts from me. I yelled at everyone for them to leave me alone and stop watching me which resulted them to move me to the psychiatric ward. Hated every second of it wanted to burn the place down this place was meant for the crazy but then again I did act crazy.
The bad part about the whole thing is that I kissed Hoseok and said that I loved him, I'm conflicted on whether I should even face the power to say such dangerous words. Isn't it too soon for this, all so sudden for 'I love you' shouldn't we wait six months or some shit. It sucks even more that he only kissed me once I miss his lips he didn't truly leave me although. Never left me cold or unwanted in-fact I was always warm and smiling forgetting that I was admitted here for a second attempt at suicide.
That's how it is around Hoseok, time seems to fade as if I weren't running out of it, spinning my head around the stupid word happy. He made my dark world come to light and let that lingered on me, gonna be hard to be in this home and under heavy therapy for me to get better.
"Assigned here for 90 days Yoongi doesn't that concern you" my father raises glancing at me from my therapist point of view. "Don't be so hard on him" my mother tries to step in but my father by passed her. "I don't understand why you don't want to be here" he ask and all I can do is fiddle with my fingers trying not to sob.
I'm in a room full of people who don't care about me, all I want to do is run into his arms. "He won't get better if all the fingers are pointed at him healing takes time, it's very common for these things to happen all that matters is that you encourage him to get better" the therapist suggest, my father sighs, jae and my mother nod.
"You never even said the reason this time, a second time and you didn't even try to talk to anyone" my father adds in and for some reason everyone agrees. I look up at everyone and my therapist sighs knowing family therapy is gonna take some time. Standing out my seat muttering I need air feeling the room spinning, practically running outside into his arms.
"I'm here" he whispers as I bury myself deeper into him, he rubs my back so lovingly and all I can do is sob. Can't help it. He makes me feel like home, the home I never want to leave from.
12:59pm
"Family therapy didn't go to well I'm guessing" Hoseok ask picking around his food, nodding to his question as I silently eat my food. I don't know how much time passed by but finally I grab his hand letting him know I'm ready to talk.
"I felt closed in—a tight space I couldn't escape, it's almost like they don't believe me more like blame me for being this way" I tell him watching as he soaked in my words. Hoseok is an observer he likes to watch how things fold before giving in his input. "Just take a deep breathe and voice your thoughts it's family therapy not gang up on Yoongi therapy—you have a voice too don't forget that" he tells me rubbing his thumb on the back of my palm in such a reassuring way.
"How did—jungkook get over it" I ask quietly and he smiles just a little, "would you like to meet him" looking up at his words. Shyly nodding as crimson color my cheeks, chuckling he caresses my cheek "cute" he words and continues to eat.
1:21pm
"So you are the Yoongi he fables about" Jungkook greets as we both enter his small, wonderful smelling apartment. "Don't embarrass me junggukie" Hoseok smiles throwing a soft hit towards his way.
We sit on the couch of his nice home that just is just so home welcoming; I notice the pictures of his family and friends. He doesn't live alone is what I was informed by Hoseok his roommate is always out of town so he has the place to himself at times.
"I'm so happy to meet you Hoseok is all words but never shows nice to have a face with a name" he was so softspoken and sweet like Hoseok I'm convinced Hoseok goes around finding clones of himself. Nodding shyly and Hoseok glances at me his eyes telling me it's okay to speak.
"Hobi hyung told me about the problems your facing—I'm not forcing you to talk about it but just know I'm here to hear you out" why is he so outseeking, I barely know him; matter of fact I don't know him at all. But his smile and his almond brown eyes are so reassuring so I nod and find the courage to talk.
"I wanted to talk to you about how you dealt with—all of this, I know everyone go through it differently but I just wanna hear yours."
