Trigger warning: self harm warning :/
11:34pm
I ignored everyone, I think I hit my lowest point. Earlier today I left my dump apartment for the first time this week, I actually made an effort to talk to joon but like I guessed. He ignored me.
My brother didn't answer the phone because he is loving his life, he never answers his phone when I really do need him.
I will never make an effort to call my mother, I love her so much but there's no use she won't understand her head is too clouded.
The sad days just keep on using me and I'm honestly done. The cold rain pours down my face mixing in with my tears as I take my slow steps almost tripping. I might as well end my life right now since no one doesn't even care.
I throw myself on the bathroom floor pulling my knees to my chest. I let out the loudest sob I have ever made in my entire life. Along came with the usual, hiccups, sniffling, nasty ass snot that I barely wiped from my already redden nose.
I grab my blade from my shelf because this isn't the first time I have done this to myself. Hopefully this is my last time, I let my jacket slip off my shoulders as I raise my sleeve.
The first mark is for pushing away the opportunity to say something.
Second mark is for my brother who lies to me, left me, who won't let me in.
Third mark is just for me, more tears drop onto my bleeding wrist.
It doesn't feel good at all I hate cutting myself but I'm too scared for pills, I don't want to go to sleep I want to feel the pain.
I'm not doing this so everyone can feel bad for me, I'm doing this so it can finally be over.
My hand shakes and I make a big cut on my wrist screaming out the pain. These walls are thin I know my neighbor probably thinks I'm a manic.
I let my wrist fall as I rest my bloody hand on my side looking at the water faucet that had tiny water droplets falling. I choke on my spit as I cry even more. Can I just die already why is the blood taking so long.
My hand drops the blade, finally I'm starting to lose feeling.
My eyes flutter close as I start thinking about everything, I wonder if this what happen when your dying slowly. I feel so far away from what I wanted to feel.
Shit, shit, shit, shit. I can't leave everyone damn it I can't leave my mother she already lost the love of her life because he's a god damn asshole.
My brother can't lose me he cares too much about me, it will devastate him if I took my own life away. On the countless nights we talked about how I would never do self harm, I lied to him.
I can't leave my dad even though he does bare minimum for me I can't leave him. He would fully break if I just left him.
I don't think joon would ever forgive me if I just took my life away. After all the times he offered to talk to me, after every single thing me and him have done I can't do that to the kid.
I lean over grabbing my phone weakly dialing 911. Immediately the phone answers, I cry weakly trying to sit up but I'm losing feeling everywhere.
"This is 911 what is your emergency" his voice, oh god his voice is so calmly. "I can't do it I'm scared" I whimpered into the phone trying not to drop it.
"Sir are you okay do you need the police immediately" his words were frantic, I don't want no police or ambulance. I just want some one to talk to.
"No please just please talk to me" I cry blinking away a tear that was never gonna stop.
