Bechloe - Sanity

Chapter XXXVIII

Beca's POV

It's been two weeks since I left Chloe but it feels like it's been two years that I haven't seen her since I'm used to seeing her and Emily every day. I'm still heartbroken and I cannot express the amount of pain I am going through. It feels as if my whole world - my whole life - has been taken away from me. Chloe and Emily were my family. MY FAMILY. And now they are gone. What the fuck did I do to deserve this? I gave Chloe my whole world and Emily, too and Chloe does this. She chooses that sack of shit over me! I don't believe for one second that Tom has changed here. Something isn't right. You just don't do that to someone. You don't rip them away from someone who they love to get back with you no matter how you feel about them - it's not something you do.

I've not been myself since Chloe left. Being without her and Emily is so alien to me. I feel so alone, isolated, and... I don't know. I don't feel like I'm me anymore. It's only been two weeks but it's already starting to have an effect on me. I don't go into work anymore, I don't go out to do things I enjoy, I don't even eat the way I used to. I eat crap all the time but I don't care. I can't be bothered cooking and I sure as shit can't be bothered going out to a restaurant and eating. The only thing I've really managed to do is write a few songs since Chloe left me, all of which represent my heartbreak - something I'd never thought I'd make songs about but surprisingly enough, it helps. Whether or not they will go on my new album is a matter of question but right now, I don't care enough to think about that.

I'm currently tweaking a song that I've just written. It didn't take me long to make, to be honest. I'm currently working on other songs as well but this is the first one I've finished. Thankfully, I have a home studio so I'm able to do a lot of work at home. I fix up some minor hiccups in the audio then play it.

When I think of fates worse than death
All I can think of is something you said
You said we were golden, bright like the sun
And now I am stranded
Knowing I'm not the one

An ocean of anger
Flowing through me
Bloodstained and broken
From when I fell to sea
And just like a snake charmer
You led me astray
Living in distress
Hoping help is on the way

In the midst of a storm
Searching for shelter
I came upon
One single feather
A half-hearted wish
For something better
Gracefully cursed, I thirst

Attached to the soil
I'm guiding the wool
As I am in my blood
Yet so venerable
But after I'm gone
Once I finally leave
You will be left alone
To the wolves and the thieves

In the midst of a storm
Searching for shelter
I came upon
One single feather
A half-hearted wish
For something better
Gracefully cursed, I thirst
Gracefully cursed, I thirst
Gracefully cursed, I thirst
I thirst

Listening to it brings tears to my eyes. If it wasn't obvious enough, it's about Chloe and our breakup. More so about Chloe but it's pretty self-explanatory. I keep going through that night over and over in my head. It's so unreal it almost feels as if it didn't happen but when I go bed alone at night or when I go downstairs and there is nobody there to greet me and have a family dinner or breakfast with me, I am reassured and dreadfully reminded that it did, in fact, happen. It still feels as if it happened yesterday and I still have the same amount of pain in me and it fucking KILLS. Sometimes I wake up and as soon as I remember what happened, I cry. I hate crying but I can't control it sometimes. I thought the crying phase would be over now but it's not. I've cried too much and Chloe doesn't deserve my tears.