Bechloe - Sanity

Chapter LI

Beca's POV

It's been a hectic few weeks, to say the least. Thankfully, my agents have been taking care of the press for me, allowing me to have a bit of privacy. I've had regular doctor check-ups as well as friends and family checking in on me and looking after me. I appreciate their concern but I feel like I'm completely helpless and like I can't take care of myself. I only got shot in the chest so it's not like my legs don't work or anything but... the bullet was close to my heart. That doesn't matter now. I'm feeling a lot better and I want to get back to work and do the things I usually do. I hate feeling like I'm a patient all the time. I hate feeling like I'm a sick person who needs to get looked after all the time. I'm a grown woman and I can take care of myself.

Dad and Shelia have been around a lot making sure that I'm okay and helping me cook and all that stuff. Dad and I have talked a lot about mom and it's been quite confronting but I'm glad he's finally opened up about the topic. We never used to talk about her. When I was younger, I used to ask about her but I eventually didn't since I knew my dad wasn't going to tell me anything. He said that he'd tell me when I got older but I never bothered. As soon as I found out that she was a drug addict, I didn't want to know any more. I was young and just hearing that was enough to crush me. I wouldn't have been able to process it all so I didn't bring up the subject matter again. Until recently, of course.

Dad knew that mom had always been in that life. She may have been the love of his life but she chose drugs over him and over me and that was her choice - a choice that led her to a twenty-year prison sentence. I don't resent my mother as much as I thought I would. I used to but not now. Now that I know who she really is and what she's done with her life, I feel sorry for her. I couldn't imagine living such a dishonest life where I'd constantly have to be looking over my shoulder. Sure, she had a lot of money but money doesn't buy everything and it's the things that money can't buy that are worth the most. Now, all of her money is gone and what does she have left? Nothing. Serves her right. The only thing I hate her for is her knowing what Tom was planning to do to Emily.

I should have killed him right then and there. I was about to. I had my hands around his neck. I could feel his pulse quicken the tighter I squeezed. I could feel my palms burning from the heat of all the blood pulsating through his neck. I could feel him squirming under me. I could feel that his time was mere seconds from coming to an end. I felt his life slowly begin to slip away. I was so enraged that I couldn't think about anything else but his death. After seeing Emily get hit, that was it for me. I wanted to do unspeakable things to that man and I still do. I hope something happens to him in prison. Even though prison is rough, the one thing I like about it is that other prisoners quickly find out what the new guy is in for and they go from there and from the knowledge I have, prisoners aren't kind to child traffickers - not at all.

I've spoken a lot with dad about it and Shelia for that matter. They've both been good at giving advice and helping me to process it and work through it. I never thought that I'd have such a good relationship with my dad. Our relationship hasn't ever been this good. I've never spoken to him as much as I do now and I've never been so open and honest with him either and vice versa. It feels like I'm finally getting to know my dad for the first time in my life and it's nice. Turns out, my dad is actually a really sensitive guy and he feels a lot. I'm starting to believe that's where I get it from since my mother isn't like that at all. Perhaps I get a little from her since I'm quite stubborn and selfish but the rest of the stuff, I get from my dad with a little bit of me mixed in there as well. Well, a LOT of me but that's nothing new.

Chloe's been up a lot to see me, too. I don't know why I keep letting her come up. I'm still mad at her for what happened but on the other hand, I miss her and I want to see her. I'm just so confused. She hurt me like nobody has hurt me before. She crushed me to my core and that doesn't just heal overnight. That doesn't just go away. What she did to me will take a long time to heal and even though Tom is out of the picture, the pain of Chloe being with him is still there. I haven't forgiven Chloe for what she's done but I don't completely hate her either. I know it sounds weird but as I've already established, I'm confused.