Bechloe - Sanity

Chapter LIV

Chloe's POV

These past few weeks have been torture. Beca and I got lawyers involved where we made an agreement about when Beca would see Emily. I never thought I would ever have to go through something like that but I did. We fought a lot and it broke my heart. I pushed for Beca to only see Emily once a fortnight but Beca wanted to see her every weekend plus several times throughout the week. It was a tough battle but we eventually settled on what Beca and I had verbally agreed on - for her to see Emily on the weekend. It wasn't exactly how we wanted it to turn out but it was better than nothing. I didn't want to take Emily completely away from Beca but I wasn't sure what Beca's lifestyle was like so I only did it to protect my daughter.

Speaking of Beca's lifestyle, she's still with that Violet girl. I see her sometimes when I drop Emily off at Beca's place. Emily has met Violet a few times but hasn't spent much time with her. I don't think Beca has properly introduced Violet to Emily or got them to spend any time together. I don't care what Beca does anymore as long as she keeps Emily safe and doesn't introduce her to people of bad influence. I trust Beca's judgment over anybody's but I haven't been with Beca in so long, I'm not sure anymore. I don't like Violet for many reasons but I'm sure Beca wouldn't have picked her if she didn't see something in the girl.

Seeing Beca with Violet doesn't get any easier for me. She looks happy with her and I even ran into them once at the mall. They were shopping whilst holding hands and it crushed me. I've seen magazine articles about them being together but nothing is official yet it seems. There hasn't been any concrete evidence of them actually dating. There have just been photos of them together and sometimes holding hands but that's it. They haven't been caught out kissing or anything like that but that doesn't surprise me. Beca likes to keep her private life private and she does care a lot about the people she is with. When she was with me, we didn't expose ourselves to the world straight away since we were seeing where things took us. We took things slow and eventually became comfortable enough to show affection in public, which the media ate up.

I've been so miserable without Beca. I've tried to deny it as much as I could but it doesn't work anymore. I miss her. I miss her so much it makes me sick. Literally. I'm constantly getting headaches, I'm snappy, I'm not as optimistic as I once was, and I can't be bothered doing much either. Every time I see Beca and Violet I get worse. I try not to think about Beca and more so, Beca and Violet as a couple but I can't help it. I always wonder what they're doing and whether or not Beca is fucking her into oblivion. I really shouldn't think about that since it only makes things worse but I don't believe that Violet should be privy to Beca's body. Beca needs someone who can take care of her and I don't believe that it's Violet or rather, I don't want it to be Violet.

Despite everything, I'm still hopelessly in love with Beca. She's my everything and we have a child together. Sure, Emily isn't Beca's through biology but you don't need blood to make a family - only love. I'd like to think that deep down, Beca knows that we're still a family. Emily loves us both so much and she wants me and Beca to get back together. She asks me when is Beca coming back and it hurts to tell her that she might not be. Emily is too young to understand why and in a way, I see that as a blessing. I don't want her to understand. I want her to maintain her innocence and thinking that the world is just flowers, rainbows, and sunshine. I don't think kids should grow up. Emily is perfect and I just want her to stay my little girl forever.

I'm glad that Emily hasn't been affected negatively by mine and Beca's arrangement. She just sees it as she gets to spend time with her mama on weekends and that's it. She does question why Beca can't come over and stay like she used to but I've had to explain to her the best I can to a child why she can't. I can see how much Emily misses Beca living with us. She misses Beca every day and she hasn't been the same ever since Beca and I broke up and I don't blame her. I haven't been the same either and it's only getting worse for me. I know it's because Beca is moving on with this Violet girl and she seems happy and my heart can't stand it. I know that's selfish of me after everything that I've done but Beca is mine and I love her so much it hurts.