𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐥𝐨𝐰 || sansang

34⋆Words unspoken

______________________

Say it for me, say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

______________________

SAN

Love.

The word flows through San's ear - into his mind, tearing down any other thought, and deep into his heart. Looking into Yeosang's beautiful eyes, nothing should feel easier than just saying yes. San knows that he loves him, of course he does, but saying it out loud - feeling pressured to saying it, for the first time ever, and when he doesn't feel ready - is harder than he could've ever imagined.

"What? Why are you asking me that?" The question is just as stupid as San feels when he lets the words leave his lips, words that definitely weren't what Yeosang had wanted to hear.

"I... I just... I just need to know..." Yeosang mumbles, blowing a lock of his brown hair away from his face while his eyes are staring at anything but San.

"Why do you need to know right now, though?" San questions. He walks back to the window to light up another cigarette, cursing himself for not being able to just answer that damn question.

He hears the sound of Yeosang dumping down onto the bed behind him, but he doesn't turn around. The late night wind is stroking his face, almost as if it's trying to calm him down.

San has been in his head too much since they day at the cemetery, and his brother's hateful words has fed the shadow that keeps telling San that he's worth nothing - to anyone.

With this many years having passed by, San has forgotten why Sanggyu hates him so much. Maybe it has always been like this? Maybe it was jealousy? He and Sana had been the first pair of twins in the family, ever, and they were seen as the biggest blessing and gift. They were praised to the Heavens and back, leaving Sanggyu in the shadows despite him being the first born child.

But as they grew up, the pressure of being those perfect children had become too much. San didn't understand back then, why Sana tried to break free from what she called 'their parents' grip', but now he knows exactly what she meant.

When Sana died, San felt like half of his soul disappeared with her. Nothing ever felt the same after that, he didn't feel the same.

"San..."

Yeosang's voice is quiet, hesitant, but cutting straight through the memories that are dancing in front of San's eyes, as he stares into the dark night outside. He slowly turns, peeking over his shoulder to look at Yeosang who is sitting on the bed, with his legs pulled up in front of him.

It's not quite a pout, but not quite a frown either that is showing on the younger's face - but it is definitely not a look of satisfaction. San suddenly realizes that the cigarette in his hand has burnt out long ago, and he wonders how long he's been staying silent.

"Yes?"

The sigh that comes from the younger is so close to being silent, but that doesn't mean it isn't there - that he isn't disappointed in the lack of answer. San leans against the windowsill, watching Yeosang fiddle with the drawstrings of the hoodie he had thrown on when Taeyong had knocked on the door.

Love...

The words Yeosang is longing to hear, keep teasing San's tongue. They want to be spoken, pushing against his closed lips while the feeling of them is heating up his cheeks. But he can't.