𝐀𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐥𝐨𝐰 || sansang

38⋆In the game of life

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Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

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SAN

The tall, white building is towering in front of him, while the painful memories wash down over him. Once again he is reminded of the belief he has carried for many years; life is just a game where everyone loses in the end - and he has been a fool to ever waste his time, trying to make the best of it.

San has never been a man to believe in things that can't be seen with the mortal eye, but right now he thanks the heavens and all the Gods that it isn't the hospital his brother works at. Not that he'd ever believe that anyone would hold their hand over him anyway, and if there should happen to be anything like heaven and hell - he is well aware of where he would be going.

As he walks through the automatic sliding doors of the entrance, San reckons that a hospital is much like that in many ways; so much happiness, so much love - but also so much hurt and so much pain. So much life, and so much death. A place San wishes he'd never have to return to again.

With the memories of the last three times merging together, into a big darkness in his mind, San hesitantly makes his way towards the elevators. The first time he spent hours there, waiting with his family, only to hear the heartbreaking news that his sister didn't make it - the night that changed his life, the night that changed him.

The second happened one year later, when he was seventeen; his arm cut up and with his will to live running out of his body like the blood running from his open wounds. The last time happened two yeas ago, after a night he barely remembers. All he knows, is that it was the anniversary of his sister's death and that he had felt worse than ever. The drugs in his hands had soon been consumed, and the count of just how many times he had bent down to snort another line had become blurry.

But the worst part from the last time, one of the only parts he actually remembers - waking up in the hospital, seeing Hyunjin asleep in a chair next to the bed. And he never even thanked Hyunjin for being there, nor helping him get home when he got discharged - and now he regrets it so badly. But San had been too focused on himself back then, and the fact that he had ended up in the same hospital as Sanggyu worked at... His brother's smug face that night is still burning clearly in his mind.

The loud ding, as the elevator reaches the requested floor, runs through San as a cold shiver. With a deep breath he steps out into the hallway, his feet almost dragging across the floor as every step is a struggle.

Knowing that both Hyunjin and Felix will be there, San starts questioning why he even came here. But of course he knows the reason why. Even feeling as messed up as he did, when receiving the phone call from Felix, and even though it did take him hours to collect himself and get out of his apartment - San knew he had to go.

Because of Yeosang.

The fear that had struck through him, when the words Felix had forced out with a shaking voice, had left him out of breath. He had suddenly felt more sober than ever - but in the worst way possible. Crumbled together on the floor, it was impossible for him to deny his feelings any longer.

Those goddamn feelings. The ones he had tried to hide for so long, the ones he had tried to drown with drugs, alcohol, one-night stands and even hurtful words thrown across the room. Every single feeling came back to him, stronger than ever before, drowning him like he had tried to do to them.