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Chapter 44 ~ Nightmares

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-x-

Eren's POV

There they were, the reoccuring dreams that made me wake up every night, screaming, thrashing, or crying. Sometimes it'd be so extreme, Levi had to wake me up. I never vented to anyone, because I was just that stubborn.

Levi said I needed therapy, and I was a walking travesty.

He didn't know how it was like to be me.

I cried myself to sleep some nights, and I've gotten worse ever since that day I ranted to Levi, wanting to die more and more every day. My 'Inner Titan' has caused my dreams to become more vivid, and my anger to raise through the roof. I had to be pulled out of school because my anger, the many fights I've gotten myself into. I've grown out of my social anxiety stage, my mind was so focused on anger now. Example, if someone bumped into me I would take it as an action purposely done to piss me off.

I felt my snakebites and my other lip piercing to reassure myself I'm still me, my piercings haven't left me.

Then I looked to Levi, no piercings, just a plain face. And gay. Man, that was great. I wondered what would've happened if we weren't together, if I would've contained my gay.

Levi would be with Erwin, Jean and Marco would be happily together, I wouldn't have ended up a freak that deserts everyone away from me,

I mean, people listen to music about ass and getting laid, they're accepted into society, but us? The "emos"? No. We're freaks because we listen to music about depression, and how it's gonna be okay for us. Apparently that isn't accepted, and is weird.

Man, people pissed me off.

I'm internally screaming joyfully, I remembered I didn't have school tomorrow.

I had everything planned out: I was going to join the military, show them my titan powers, and be the advantage for our team.

But, I didn't know when I'd leave, or tell Levi. Maybe I should just leave without word?

I groaned, and went out into my snazzy living room the shred a pillow. Angrily. Maybe it'd help my anger. My nails dug into the fabric and I could feel the tear beneath my shaky hands.

My life felt it was slipping out of my grip-did I let it?

All of these questions and no answers frustrated me terribly.

~

Checklist for today:
[remember to always swallow the frog-not literally, it means to do the hardest thing first]
• tell Levi about my military idea
• hope for the best
• Cinnamon Toast Crunch recipe
• Homemade bread re

I stopped writing when I realized I combined my to do list with my "shopping" list.

Levi went somewhere to do something with someone, I really wasn't paying attention.

I'd have to come out tonight about y plans. Yes, I'm doing them no matter what, but no, Levi's opinion won't affect my decision.

Joining the army could possibly kill me, but wouldn't it be for the best?

Either that or I'll have to result to something way worse, something I don't know if I could do.

-x-