Labels || H.S. [#Wattys2020]

TWENTY-ONE

It was nearing a week since Reagan had begun running again and somehow she wasn't feeling like quitting. The only thing she was feeling was that crippling self-doubt as she weighed herself because she realized she had only lost two pounds even though she had been working so hard. Her mother eyed her, knowing that Reagan had just stepped off the scale, and smiled understandingly, "You're gaining muscle, honey."

She nodded, going into her room, and not bothering to give an answer. She knew that her mom worried about her, she did, but she also knew that this whole weight loss thing was just kind of over her head. Her mom had always been thin, always been worried about her weight and her looks. She inherited her dad's size, his easygoingness, and his love of food. So when her mom told her not to worry, she tended not to believe her. Her mother just didn't understand, and she didn't blame her, not at all, but her mom tended to just see things only through her point of view. It wasn't hard for her to stay in shape, and when Reagan had started gaining it weight it was hard for her not to say anything. Reagan had always been a big child, her parents had not worried thinking she would just lose her baby fat, but she never did. So her mom tried her hardest to get Reagan to lose it when she saw it wasn't going away.

For a long time, Reagan believed she just wasn't good enough for anyone, not even her parents. Her parents were so bent on having her lose weight, on making her presentable to the world, that she just got it engraved into her mind that she had to weigh a certain amount in order to make her parents proud. It wasn't until Reagan got sick that her parents realized that what they had done was actually hurt her instead of helping her. She knew they did it out of love, she knew that they just wanted her to be the best version of herself, and she knew that maybe she just took it too far.

Those were the really dark days. The ones where she didn't eat at all, where the voices in her head were on repeat, and where no matter how much weight she did lose it just didn't seem to be enough. Why she was remembering this today she wasn't sure, she knew it would only psych her out. Harry was on his way and more than anything she just wanted to be cool and collected. After seeing those numbers on the scale though, she just wanted to start doing the things that had led her downhill in the first place. But then she remembered how she had passed out in the middle of her third-period math class, how her parents cried and Kennedy didn't understand, and how she felt so lost, so incredibly lost. She didn't want to go back to those days, she really didn't, but she just didn't know how she would avoid them if she constantly had to worry about being good enough for Harry. She knew she shouldn't, she knew that, but she just didn't know how to not think that she wasn't good enough. She had seen his type and she just wasn't it. So how could he like her? It made her believe that maybe she was more than her weight, more than her body, that she was also kind and witty and charming and that in itself was beautiful. But how long would that beauty be enough? Would it ever be enough?

"Reagan!"

She jumped as she heard her mother's voice and responded, "Yeah?" as she finished putting things into her purse.

"Someone's honking like crazy out there! I'm going to go tell them to move!"

"NO!"

Regan ran out of her room, down the stairs, and straight into the kitchen where her mother was heading towards the front door. Reagan was completely ready to tackle her if need be, but luckily her mother stopped the moment she saw an out of breath Reagan reaching out for her.

"What?" She asked, completely and utterly confused.

"That's...my ride," Reagan responded, trying to calm down.

"Your ride? But you have a car."

"We decided to carpool, conserve energy, all that stuff."

Her mother furrowed her brow, "You don't like carpooling."