Reconnection (L.H.)

Chapter 28 - Thinking and Drinking

I'd hate to sound like some bum that doesn't understand life, becuase I'm not. I just don't understand people and their outrageous motives. I've been in America for a week and I am extremely mind blown. Am I just that blind in Australia? If there is trouble here, there must be some in Australia. I'm probably just extremely blind... Crime isn't that much worse here, it couldn't be.

Wondering why I am going on a rant? I caught someone trying to break into someone else's car. I was extremely furious. He was pretty damn brave to come out in daylight doing that. Does he even realize the danger he has inflicted upon himself?

But besides that, this week has been actually pretty decent in America. I've met a ton of fans, went to 5 of their concerts, been recognized as beautiful, and bought some American clothes. Oh, and I have talked to my mom and dad every night so far.

Coming to America is such a priviledge. It is amazing. America is truly beautiful. If circumstances were different, I would have loved to live in America. Everywhere I have went is just amazing, and truly honoring to be in such a place. Of course all good things must come to an end sometime. That end is only short of three weeks away. I might as well live and be free while I can. Taking a chance, being a rebel, being free... That's what my trip to America is about and thats how I am going to live for this short time.

The only thing that would make me happier is if I would get to be here with my parents. If I could have allowed them to come, I wouldnt have given them a chance. Luke may not have liked that, but what do we have to hide? My parents would love the fact that I am myself again. They would be relieved that every moment of my day doesn't divert back to my dead brother and sister. I still think of them of course. What sister would I be if I just forgot that they ever existed. They were my best friends when Luke left me. Soon after they passed along came Alex. I had always stayed up on my feet. I wasn't allowed to be sad over anything. That doesn't mean that I didnt miss Luke or my family. I wasn't completely broken.

The thing about Alex though, is that he never knew I was entirely depressed... He never found out. I never allowed him to. Right when I met Alex, I was always reserved. Thats the me he knew. That is the me that he loves. He always thought of me as a reserved child, so he never asked if I was upset. He thought I was just naturally shy. If he met the real me, then maybe he would have known that I was depressed. Maybe then he would have know I cut and stopped me.

Looking back now, I certainly don't regret not telling him. I needed Luke to get me back on track not him. Luke needed to save me. No one else could have. I would have snuck around Alex's back and he still wouldn't have known. Luke he knows. He still catches me to this day at 3 am being depressing. Now, he knows what to do. He always takes my blade from me. He will hold it up in the air, then wash it off in the sink. Ever so slightly, he places it right above his skin. He always says the same thing. It always has the same effect. I always run to the sink, wash up and lay in bed. I know why. He knows why. You'll know why.

"Nikki, you dying won't replace your sister. Your siblings wouldn't want you to give up your life for them."

If only he understood the pain though, of going through this. Ben and Jack are still well and alive. My siblings aren't. They wont ever be on this Earth. I miss them dearly.

"Nikki. What are you thinking about?" Luke asks me, waking up and hugging his bare arms around my stomach covered with his green day shirt.

We probably look like we had sex last night, but we in fact didnt. I just really like his t-shirts.

"I'm thinking about my family."

"Awe, you miss them." By them he means my siblings and my parents. Two different reasons, but also both worthy of being recognized.

"Yeah, I miss them very dearly." My eyes teared up against my will, but luckily no tears spilled. That would have been embarassing. There is no need for me to be overly emotional.

"Us hungry men want food, do you want something?"

"Not really. Maybe a coffee."

"I will give the order to the driver then..." He says, getting out of bed wearing only boxers and sweatpants since I had stolen his shirt last night.

I just sit there. I can't seem to think about anything.

"Nikki?" I hear a voice say.

"Yes?"

Calum comes around the corner with his love and they approach the bed slowly.

"Don't hate us."

"No promises." I say, allowing them to continue.

"You know how you and Mr. Hemmo went on a date?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, everyone else went to a bar. Ashton got extremely hammered and I took the rest of the medicine and I feel bad." Michael says, speaking quietly and quickly.

"You guys are lucky you have a woman on this bus."

"What do you mean?" Calum asks.

I stand up, forgetting that I only have Luke's shirt on and run to the bathroom and come back with pain reliever.

"How did he get 'hammered'?" I ask them, before handing over the pain reliever.

"We encouraged him..."

I knew it.

"Who?"

"Just us two..."

"You sure?"

"Fine. All of us were intoxicated except for Liam. While he was in the bathroom we all encouraged Ashton to drink shots..."

I open the pain reliever and pull out two pills.

"These two pills are for Ashton. Anyone else takes them and they will have a slit throat." I say, making myself clear.

Calum turns and scurries to Ash in his bunk.

"Nikki?" Michael quietly says.

"Yes Michael?"

"Why do you still cut? Do we not make you happy?"

"Umm... you do. I-I'm just broken."

"Does Luke know?"

"Yes, he knows." I say, dissapointed in myself for letting anyone else find out.

"Okay. He really loves you. If you leave him he will only be a shell of a person."

"I'm not escaping this world. I'm just trying and failing to escape pain."

"He is your pain reliever, let him help."

"In 3 weeks, he can't help anymore."

"He'll be able to, just you wait." He says, before heading into the bathroom to change into his clothes for today.

this one is longer, but really sucky. i am really sorry guys x ily