p e r s o n a l l y ☆ 2jae

t h i r t e e n

"I don't hate you."

The words felt like they had unlocked a flood of emotion within the recipient. He didn't understand. His feelings felt too overwhelming for him to want to understand.

Youngjae felt his cheeks heat up as their eyes locked in standing air. His heart pumped in his chest and just as quickly as he had got Jaebeom's attention, Youngjae spun around and left.

The elder was left standing, still noticing Youngjae's flushed cheeks but being too naive to make any sense of it.

.

.

.

The next day at school Jaebeom was too reluctant to go to his classes. His wrist meant that he wasn't able to even attempt any of his work, causing him to feel a build up of disappointment in himself. Disappointment that he couldn't change, that he would always feel unmotivated.

Disappointment that maybe, this really was all an act. And that him trying wasn't worth anything at all.

He walked into the grounds trying to push back these thoughts, and trying to calm himself after noticing many students glare at him and his injured arm.
Bambam caught sight of his hyung walking down the corridor and called him over.

"Hey JB!"

Jaebeom turned around surprised as he noticed Bambam, a ball building in his stomach at the idea of drawing attention to himself. The maknae gestured for him to walk over to where he was standing, his locker still open in front of him. After a few moments Jaebeom did.

"How's the wrist?"

Jaebeom raised it up slightly, still in the splint, "Getting there I guess. I can't really do any work with it since I'm left handed,"

"Not like you ever do work anyway-" Jaebeom seemed to cut Bambam's words off with a harsh stare out of instinct.

"Sorry.. I didn't mean that in a mean way."

Jaebeom was beginning to feel anxious, a hard reminder that he wasn't good making friends. It was easy for him to resent people and block them out, but just because it was easy didn't mean it was good.

Jaebeom was spiralling again.

"You're putting on an act and pretending that everyone else doesn't notice!"

The remnants of Youngjae's harsh words pierced through his thoughts. They seemed to hurt more than all of the cold stares, all of the unmotivated, all of the disappointment. 

And how could Youngjae claim to not hate him?
The idea seemed unfeasible.

All of this negativity seemed to radiate from the elder and festered in the air. Bambam was unsure of where the two stood and whether or not Jaebeom was angry with him. The uncomfortable aura was broken when another member entered the conversation.

"Bammmmmm!" Mark rushed in, clapping his hand onto Bambam's shoulder.

"You seem happy."

"I was playing PUBG this morning."

"Of courseeee."

Mark was notoriously quiet, but he got the most active when playing video games. He played all sorts and lots of the time he played with friends. Despite his quietness his friendship with the extroverted Bambam was no less than anything else and around his friends he would light up even more than anybody else would notice.

Mark looked at Jaebeom with a look of confusion, but nonetheless he still greeted him, if not with slight awkwardness.

"Is Youngjae with you?" He asked after a while.

Bambam shook his head, "I saw him yesterday but if it weren't for Jaebeom I don't think he would have even talked to me."

"Jaebeom?" Mark asked, looking at the boy for a response.

Bambam interrupted before Jaebeom could reply with anything, "I told him Jaebeom was at the same hospital with me and YG and he went into the check up with him. But that was the first time he replied all weekend."

Mark nodded in understanding, "I've been trying to get him on discord but he's never online anymore."

Jaebeom felt that this was his cue to leave, the two friends slowly getting lost in their own conversation and forgetting about the dark shadow that was next to them. Some people threw Jaebeom harsh looks as he walked past. He tried to keep a neutral expression instead of his automatic mean demeanour.

"Jaebeom.."

Jaebeom turned around to see Youngjae from round the corner. He was wearing an oversized blue hoodie that covered the top of his messy hair, along with the rimmed glasses he had seen him wearing at the convenience store the other night.

Youngjae looked as if he was hiding out of view of the other students. Jaebeom hesitantly walked over to his corner.

"Do you want to study at lunch today?" Youngjae quietly asked, the tone of his voice seeming deeper than usual.

The elder was surprised at this, not sure if this was the same intent as the first time, "Are you sure?"

Youngjae nodded, but slowly stopping as he remembered what happened before, "If you don't trust me then I understand."

Youngjae only then noticed how close they were standing. He tried to look away and focus his attention on the surrounding area. People walked by in their own world, not giving the pair a single look of attention. He noticed Jinyoung and Jackson together as they walked into a classroom, Jinyoung wearing his signature eye smile and Jackson's hyena laugh just loud enough for Youngjae to hear from where he was standing.

"Fine. We can study at lunch," Jaebeom finally agreed after his own deep thought.

"Really?"

Jaebeom agreed once more. They said a small goodbye and Youngjae walked past the other, unintentionally shoving him slightly to the side as he did so.

That was when Jaebeom suddenly remembered, "Mark and Bambam are by the lockers asking about you."

Youngjae stopped for a moment and looked back over his shoulder.

"Oh.." a crestfallen look had fallen onto the brown haired boy's expression, "It's okay. I need to do some things."

And with that he went away.