p e r s o n a l l y ☆ 2jae

t h i r t y - f i v e

"Youngjae. You look so fake."

"Your smiles look so fake. I don't get why you put up with Jaebeom."

"Seriously. What's wrong with you? Don't you see that he's just a waste of time."

"Don't be so mean to Youngjae about it when it's Jaebeom's fault."

"No. No no. No. It's not his fault. It's not Jaebeom's fault!" Youngjae said, panic rising in his voice. Jackson looked over with concern seeing how tense the other was getting.

Jackson wasn't the only one to see this. Jaebeom was standing just behind the group watching the discussion unravel after coming back to find Youngjae and the others as he promised. He felt even more guilty seeing Youngjae have to stick up for both of them, and seeing how upset Youngjae was getting in the process.

Recently Jaebeom had been thinking a lot more about the past. About how he used to be the person who nobody liked, who never had friends and who always was alone. He never enjoyed it. But he couldn't help but admit that at least the feeling was.. familiar.

A student from the crowd noticed Jaebeom standing from afar and threw him a nasty glare.

"There he is now. Why won't he just leave us all alone. Nobody wants him here."

Youngjae turned quickly after hearing these harsh words, the Jaebeom he knew was looking more like a ghost. The dark haired boy walked up and grabbed Youngjae by the wrist, leaving the younger's lips parted slightly at the sudden reaction.

The crowd hushed again, small murmurs travelling throughout. The elder couldn't bring himself to say anything in front of them and instead his eyes met with Mark and Jackson just before pulling himself and Youngjae away. He could feel the rest of the stares burning into their backs but couldn't do anything to stop them.

"Jaebeommie.. Are you okay?" Youngjae asked shakily. It hurt Jaebeom to hear Youngjae sound that weak.

He took them to the quite area by the bushes and they stepped inside, the seemingly calm atmosphere growing even more eerie. 

"It'll be okay hyung. I swear. Like you promised! We'll figure it out so don't worry–" Youngjae rambled hastily, sounding more like he was trying to convince himself then the elder. After all, something like this with rumours and snide remarks and hate wasn't something Youngjae was familiar with.

"Youngjae," Jaebeom said with a serious voice.

"I wish they just stopped saying those things about you. It's not fair. You didn't you anything wrong!" he cried with distraught, slowly becoming out of breath as he worked himself up.

Jaebeom shook his head refusing to listen to Youngjae's defence. It was then that Youngjae realised something was horribly wrong.

He gulped.
And did his best to stay calm.

"Jaebummie..." Youngjae tried to plea in a cute voice, coming out more pained than anything.

"I.." the elder sighed, his broad shoulders usually making Youngjae feel comforted, but right now only emphasising the huge wall being built between them.

"I think we should stop knowing each other."

Youngjae froze, feeling his heart shatter with shards of glass falling and puncturing any remains of his composure.

"I don't want you to get hurt Youngjae," Jaebeom continued, his own heart hating him for what he was doing, "You don't deserve to suffer just to try protect me. And you don't deserve to have people turn on you just because of me."

"I won't get hurt! And I don't care what other people say about me anyway... I just care about you—"

"Youngjae..."

A cold air wisped between them, making the hairs on the back of both their necks stand up on ends.

"Youngjae... If you never met me you wouldn't have to deal with this now. You know this isn't going to go away. Everyone already hates me. Nothing you do will change that."

Jaebeom could feel his heartbeat right up in his head, echoing loudly in his body and feeling like it was being squeezed uncontrollably. He wanted to throw up at hearing the words leaving his mouth, angry and disgusted and frustrated with himself in more ways than one.

But he would do anything, anything to protect Youngjae.

"People can assume we broke up or whatever they want to assume. They think I hurt you. That I ruined everything for you. If I had known things would be like this.. I regret it Youngjae."

Regret.

The word that hurt most, the word that felt like it had been laced bitterly with poison. Jaebeom saw instantly how broken Youngjae looked at just the sound. 

"I promised you things would be ok. But this is the only way I can keep my promise.. As long as it won't cause you problems any more we should just stop this.." Jaebeom said weakly as he tried to explain himself, knowing deep down that he didn't deserve a chance at an explanation for how harsh he was being. 

Youngjae couldn't speak through any of this. He desperately wanted to say something, but his tongue was tied and he was barely able to keep up with what was happening.
If he couldn't speak, why couldn't he act? He wanted to grab Jaebeom and physically stop him from trying to leave. To hold him close and change his mind– and yet his body felt even more frozen in time. 

"Just go back to when we didn't know each other. I deserve to deal with this on my own rather than drag you into it. Go back and be happier without me."

But the recipient of this harsh truth didn't understand.

"You will be happier.. Without me.."

But I won't
Youngjae thought.
Both boys knew that they themselves wouldn't be okay.

"Let's stay away from each other now.." Jaebeom announced once more, solidifying the reality that was before them.

"I'm sorry."

Before Jaebeom had a chance to take back his words, and before Youngjae could even make an attempt at saying any– the elder had turned his back and walked away. It was a nightmare to Youngjae that was now coming true.