p e r s o n a l l y ☆ 2jae

f o r t y - f i v e

It hit Jaebeom immediately that he had just stormed out in the middle of a storm- but right now he had other revelations to think about.

A flash of Youngjae seeped into his mind. He wanted to erase the look of helplessness and innocence of the expression that he just saw despite it already being burned into his memory.

He didn't know how to love Youngjae, he was too scared to love Youngjae and yet loving him was the only thing he could think about doing. Most of all, loving Youngjae was something that he finally admitted to doing. And to Jinyoung no less-- Jinyoung who had seemingly schemed the whole situation like a villain luring in their prey.

He wanted to go home.
To love Youngjae from far away.
To never again feel the fear of what was coming to terms with the feelings that pulled on him like puppet strings.

It wasn't long before Youngjae was onto him, situated only a few feet away and running through the rain with a target placed on the elder's back.

Jaebeom spun on his heel just as Youngjae was outstretching his arm to grab him. They both seemed to freeze, Youngjae recoiled back a few steps at seeing just how dark Jaebeom looked behind the eyes.

He racked his brain for something to say, something out of everything he had been meaning to say. If it were just 10 minutes ago, even 5, he would have known exactly what he wanted to tell Jaebeom after the days and weeks of being ignored- but right now all he could muster up was the nervous attempt of a,

"Please.."

It didn't stick. Jaebeom turned around slowly, taking wary steps away from where the younger was standing. Youngjae wasn't surprised; he could sense how pathetic the tone in his voice was, he could see just how close he was to letting Jaebeom walk out of his life forever, to having their last encounter as a pitiful confrontation in the rain.

"I'm.. I'm angry at you Jaebeom!"

The elder felt his feet glued to the ground. He turned again, noticing that Youngjae was in the same position as before but with a face more flushed with frustration. Youngjae meanwhile was just as stunned, not fully meaning to say what he said out loud and with the vigour that he did but not planning to turn back now.

"You abandoned me and made me feel like I did something wrong and that it was all my fault. And.. And I don't even know if it's my fault! Even if you really hate me.. Why do you have to make it feel so painful!"

Nobody could move. Youngjae's yells were scratching up the inside of his throat and Jaebeom felt a weight at the bottom of his stomach. He wanted to sink into the floor and undo everything.

"It hurts so much Jaebeom! I feel like I ruined us and that it's all my fault and that I made you hate me!"

Jaebeom must have made a strange sort of face and Youngjae didn't understand the look of confusion on it. He didn't really understand anything anymore, but none of that stopped him from letting it all out.

"Seriously.. You're the one who said I didn't need to be happy all the time and that I didn't need to hide my feelings. I'm angry at you! And just because I'm angry doesn't mean I ever wanted you to leave! Let's just be sad and angry and upset together.. I'm not letting you be on your own anymore."

"Why.."

It was weak, almost unhearable to anybody else but Youngjae. In a way that was what Jaebeom wanted. Unlike what Youngjae was thinking, it wasn't a passive-aggressive

Why are you doing this?

But more to say,

Why are you doing this for me?