p e r s o n a l l y ☆ 2jae

t h i r t y - n i n e

On the Friday after school Youngjae followed through with his plan and currently was stuck waiting outside Jaebeom's house trying to find the words to actually confess.
Although he thought he had planned it all seamlessly, planning out the conversation in his head and taping together the ripped up paper, right now his mind was completely and utterly blank.

Hi Jaebeom. I wrote a song about you because I'm really really in love with you and I don't know what to do anymore.

Or maybe

I'm sorry if this is awkward but I just wanted to give you this.

Or even just

I love you.

He even debated slipping the page into the letterbox and hoping for the best. But as Youngjae remembered Jackson's harsh but realistic words he felt the little confidence he had draining from him. He was so close to just doing it and yet he couldn't even bring himself to knock on the door.
Youngjae waited patiently, maybe Jaebeom would open the door by himself without him having to knock- it was wishful thinking. He tried counting to 10, promising that when it finally stuck the last digit Youngjae would knock.

But counting to 10 turned into 20, and then 30, and then 40. He kicked the stones at his feet as he felt his heart thumping in his chest.

Frustrated, Youngjae scrunched the page up into a ball and made a bad attempt at throwing it into the recycling bin nearby.

"Oh, Youngjae?"

The boy in question quickly spun around, meeting with a familiar woman who gave him a confused sort of gaze.

"Hi Ms Lim," he said putting on a quick smile and bowing.

"Are you here to see Jaebeom?"

"No! No I'm just leaving.. I came to give him a textbook.." the younger said through guilty eyes and a twisted tongue.

Despite how bad Youngjae was at lying Jaebeom's mother nodded her head in acknowledgement, getting her keys out from her handbag.

"Well get home safely Youngjae, it was nice to see you."

The boy nodded and scurried away quickly, wanting to escape the situation and hoping that Ms Lim didn't suspect anything strange.

.

.

"I haven't seen Youngjae here in a while so it was nice that he came over to see you," Ms Lim said as she noticed her son walking out of his bedroom.

Jaebeom froze at the name.

"Youngjae?!"

His mother raised an eyebrow before taking her coat off, "Yes. He said he came to drop round a textbook, wasn't he just here now?"

"Oh. Of course.." Jaebeom responded, not understanding the situation but not willing to undergo more interrogation.

"Where are you going?" she asked, suddenly seeing Jaebeom put on his shoes and reaching out for the door.

In response Jaebeom quirked his head back, a lost looking expression in his eyes.

"Nowhere. I just need to check something.."

And with that he left and shut the door.

The elder rushed outside and scanned the road ahead of him, but no Youngjae was in sight.

He sighed dejectedly. He wasn't sure exactly what to expect, but either way he felt disappointed. As he turned back to go inside a strong gust of wind swarmed by, knocking over the recycling bin in the process.

"Great.." Jaebeom muttered to himself, crouching down and picking up the cardboard and plastic packaging from the ground.

Just as he thought he had finished the elder looked up and noticed a small ball of paper that had rolled up to the doorstep. It looked worn and both new and familiar at the same time. Not taking the time to go back inside he read the page; the wind blew around him and the rest of the world seem to drift away.

.

.

Something's missing without you baby
I miss you again today
I don't know if you're like me Maybe
I think we're the perfect two
Everything you see
I feel the same with you
I like all of your tastes
Every single one of them without missing any
You're mysterious,
I get more into you
Everyday my eyes on u
Look me in the eyes, and no other places
Come to me and kiss me
Starlight shining in your eyes
(only I want to see it myself)

I can't get out from you No way
You pull me in
You're my gravity
You're so perfect, even for this moment No way
Could you only look at me,
could you only look at me
I I I'll see only you
Can you show your smile only to me
Could you only look at me,
could you only look at me
I I I'll see only you
I'll show myself only to you

.

.

.

Youngjae.

All he could think about was Youngjae.

For the past few hours and even more he had been reading over the crumpled page again and again and again like a maniac, trying to make sense of anything at all. By this point he practically had every word memorised. Jaebeom recognised instantly it was Youngjae's handwriting, and Youngjae's style of song writing.

Is it about me?
Does he really feel this way?
Does he still feel this way?

And the most important question of all-

Does Youngjae love me?

It was nearly midnight and yet Jaebeom was the furthest thing from feeling sleepy.
Not being able to hold back any longer he hastily grabbed his phone and darted to the one contact he had missed most.

There wasn't a day that went by that Jaebeom didn't hover over YJ, my sunshine. It was just that he never had the confidence to make a move after practically severing all ties between them. He was ashamed of himself and conflicted.

But right now, as he sat alone in his room in a wave of not knowing, missing and yearning and hurting, what did he really have to lose?

_________

Jaebeom
youngjae. im sorry. i want to go back to you but im so scared that i'll ruin everything for you. i dont want people to think badly about you or hurt you just because of me. i can deal with everyone hating me but i cant deal with anybody hating you.

Jaebeom
i miss you youngjae. i miss your smile and i miss how being with you made my worries disappear. my life changed when i met you. but i don't feel worth it. with you everything felt so easy but i was being selfish for wanting to keep you to myself

Jaebeom
youngjae. please dont hate me. everyone hates me and i dont mind if they do. it's just you. youre the only one i care about

Jaebeom
youngjae

_________

Jaebeom chewed at his cheek as he debated his next text. His body was already fueled with adrenaline and his palms felt sweaty. Taking one last shaky breath he typed it out, closing his eyes shut and fumbling with his fingers to press send.

_________

Jaebeom
i love you