Insatiable (Completed)

Chapter 19- Redo

Riley

I dug around in my suitcase for my laptop, that somehow managed to sink right to the bottom, while simultaneously scrolling through my contact list on my phone. I stopped when Dr Jensen popped onto my screen and I hit dial.

C'mon, c'mon, c'mon. Pick up.

"Hello?" She answered on what felt like the 100th ring.

"Hi!" Relief instantly flooded my body at the sound of her voice. "Hi, Dr Jensen its Raelynn Rivera."

"Riley. How are you doing?"

It was always awkward when your shrink asked you this question. The normal thing to say would be 'I'm good', but then if I'm good why would I be talking to a shrink?

"Uhmm not so good, that's why I'm calling actually," I replied while typing in my laptop password.

"What's wrong? Did something happen?" Yes Doc! I wouldn't be calling if everything was unicorns and rainbows.

"Are you free now? Or do you have a client or something?" I asked while moving my cursor to the skype icon on my laptop.

"I'm free for the next 30 minutes."

"Okay good because I really need to talk to you. I'm gonna Skype you in 5." I cut the call on my phone and got busy starting the Skype call. When her face appeared on my screen she looked every bit as confused as I'd expected her to be. "Sorry about that, I just really need to talk to someone. I was gonna book a session with you next week but I can't wait that long and-"

"Riley, breathe! You're rambling. Just take a breath," she ordered and I did as she said. "Now, what's wrong?"

Oy, where do I even begin? I ended up telling her EVERYTHING. From meeting Richard in the club to him being my boss, the kiss- or rather KISSES- to seeing Noah again and everything that Richard said leading up to this moment. It was exasperating talking it all out but oddly enough it felt as if a heavy weight was being lifted off my chest. I haven't even told Anna about most of this so I was surprised at how honest I was being with Dr Jensen. Well, she is my shrink and it wouldn't be doing me any good if I lied to her.

"To be honest, Riley I dont see a problem here," she shrugged.

"Are you kidding me? Me and relationships are like oil and water. It's the reason why I'm still here talking to you."

"Riley, you came to me after a very tragic incident in your life and at that time all of your feelings were expected. The guilt, the self blame, the 'if only's', the bottling up. You couldn't make it work with Noah because of all of this but it's been years. Don't you think its finally time for you to move on? I'm not saying forget everything that happened because even I know that's impossible but maybe try and move past it. You deserve happiness, Riley even if you wont admit it."

I felt a tear trickle down my cheek and my nose started to leak a little but I tried to hold it all back.

"You KNOW I can't."

"Why? Why do you refuse to accept any kind of happiness that enters your life?"

"Well for one, I dont know if this is going to in fact BE happiness. For all I know this could end in more heartbreak and tears than it's worth," I heard myself say for the first time.

"What makes you say that?"

"A feeling," I shrugged nonchalantly. "I'm just scared okay. Scared of being selfish."

"You think allowing yourself to be happy is selfish?"

"How could I not? Everytime I try and let myself be happy, I remember the last time I WAS happy and how I wasn't there for my parents when they needed me because of it. When my mum tried calling me with the last bit of her energy, I couldn't answer because I was too wrapped up in my own little euphoric bubble." I could feel my mascara running off and I could only imagine the hot mess that I looked like in front of Dr Jensen.