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Weak As I Was, I Still Had A Voice

It felt like I had only been there for five minutes when the sun peeked through the half open curtains, the weak light casting shadows onto the heap of clothes in the middle of the floor.

I slipped my hand from Enid's and rubbed my eyes hard. I felt so weak when I got to my feet, shuffling around the pile and exiting the room. I found myself stumbling into my own bedroom, flopping onto the mattress with a sigh. I made sure to bring the box of photos with me, tucking it under my bed and propping the particular image on my nightstand.

I dropped my head into my hands, trying to suppress the usual feelings from bubbling up. It was like I couldn't even look at that picture without wanting to be sick. Every time I saw his photo, I remembered what he looked like that night as Negan crushed his skull over-

"I'm not gonna make you talk." A soft voice sounded from the door. My eyes lazily drifted to Michonne as she sat next to me on the bed. "But I'm not gonna let you push us away either."

I shuffled into a sitting position, my knees automatically being hugged against my chest.

"I know you didn't get any sleep last night. Carl didn't either." She continued. It had been a while since I slept without Carl, something I had become dependent on. I guess I never realised he depended on it, too. But seeing him made me feel better, it made me talk to him, and those feelings weren't something I wanted to face.

My voice was a hoarse whisper when I spoke, and I realised it had been a while. "I don't think I can save anyone, Michonne. When Denise died, I just felt so hopeless and alone, like I couldn't do it without her."

I couldn't stop my words from breaking. "And now Glenn is gone, and I feel like I can't do anything. I feel like I can't live without him. All I feel is anger and pain and I can't stop crying. And it's so selfish, because I couldn't even look at Maggie because it would hurt too much. She's my family, and I love her, and now she's gotta raise her baby alone." Michonne wrapped her arms around me as I sobbed, my fingers clutching at her shirt as the tears soaked into it. She didn't need to say anything, her being here was enough.

"I feel like I'm running out of people I love." I shakily admitted, wiping my fingers underneath my eyes.

Michonne had a stern expression on her face. "No matter what, Belle, there is always gonna be someone. You've got Carl, and Rick and Maggie. You've got me. And you've still got Daryl."

My tone was so low and dejected. "He's probably dead already." I knew who the Saviors were now, what they could do. I didn't want to think about what they were doing to Daryl right now, if he was even alive.

"I should talk to Carl." I sniffled, my fingers rubbing at my nose as I stood up, ignoring the concern in Michonne's expression.

I hadn't been outside since we got home the other day, and I had to admit I didn't miss it. The sun was too bright, there wasn't a cloud in the beautiful blue sky and the breeze was so gentle it barely ruffled my hair. It was perfect and I hated it.

I took weak steps into the house next door, up the stairs and down the hall until they stopped outside a familiar door. I pushed it open to find Carl sitting on the end of his bed, his tired gaze right on me as I walked in.

"I'm sorry...I know he was your family, too." I whispered, fumbling with my fingers. I took hesitant steps to the bed and sat by him, my fingers feeling for his as I held his hand.

"You don't need to be sorry. I just...I wanna be there for you." He admitted, almost pleading. "When we got caught, and we surrounded, all I thought was 'thank God you're not here'. And then they opened the doors of that van and you were there and I couldn't do anything. You were so far away, and then it all happened and I..." I could see the pain and anger in his features. We all wanted Negan dead, but there was something different about Carl. It was like it was the only thing he wanted. He had known Glenn even longer than I had, he had been through exactly the same thing as me that night.

"I couldn't sleep last night." I muttered to Carl. "Enid was there and it made me think. Glenn was the one who really taught her how to live, you know? And I wondered if she would stick to that now he's gone."

"She will." He assured me, his hand squeezing mine. "She'll wanna honour him."

I nodded in agreement. If Enid could honour Glenn by carrying on, maybe I should, too.

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I miss Glenn so much