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Only Memories Left

He was supposed to meet me here. That was the plan, it was meant to-

'Don't think about it. Thinking about it makes it worse.'

I had spent so long looking at Glenn's grave I could tell you everything about it. There was a small gray pebble in the top left corner, right below the clump of dirt that was a tiny bit bigger than all the other clumps of dirt. A black beetle had dug its way into the sunlight an hour ago, maybe two or three.

It was like a bubble had formed around me, muffling all outside noises and blocking people when they tried to talk to me. That didn't stop them from sitting right at the edge of the bubble, seemingly tapping on the surface with kind, painful words.

"He saved everyone, all the people in Alexandria. It was his all him." Daryl echoed. I had heard these words already but they never sunk in. Carl died a hero, he saved the community, etcetera, etcetera. None of that mattered to me.

"Leave me alone." I muttered bitterly, the first words I had said in a long time. They came out quiet, but the feeling was still there. The fury and exasperation. I just wanted to be left alone.

Enid couldn't stop crying no matter how hard she tried. I couldn't see her face but I could hear the snivels and whimpers that escaped her lips, trying to suppress the overwhelming sadness. It made sense, I thought. After all, the three of us were best friends. We understood each other in so many ways as kids in the apocalypse. This must've been hard for her.

Maggie managed to burst the bubble, or at least join me inside it. I wondered if she went through the same suffocating, drowning feeling when Glenn died.

Her fingers laced through my limp ones, squeezing them urgently. She wasn't just here to comfort me, she was here to get me through it. Like I should've done for her not so long ago.

"You need to come back, Belle. You need to hold on." She insisted, tugging on my hand to get my attention. My distant gaze remained on the gray pebble, which I was now realising had flecks of white in it. It reminded of an old person's hair for some reason.

It was almost amusing. The one person I wanted here with me was the person causing my pain. The irony was not lost on me despite my dazed state of mind.

Why did I need to hold on? Who was I holding on for now?

I didn't want to live in a world that killed the people I loved the moment I became happy. It wasn't a life worth living.

I must've been there for a while because the gates eventually swung out again, two sets of footsteps drifting up the gravelly path. If it wasn't for the silence around me I wouldn't have been able to hear what was going on.

There were words of comfort and sympathy, hugs shared and shuffles of awkward feet.

"Where is she?" That was Rick, I could tell by the thickness of his tone even from this distance.

"She's behind the trailers." Maggie answered. There was a scuffle of boots getting nearer until they paused, Maggie's voice sounding again. "Rick, she hasn't moved all day."

The footfalls against the dirt got louder until they stopped by my side, Rick settling in the grass next to me. The silence was full of unsaid words, unshed tears, but we didn't need to say anything. How could we be there for each other when we both felt like complete shit?

A lot of emotions had passed through me in the past few hours, most of them brief and disappearing after a short second. Anger, grief, depression. So I was shocked when a wave of guilt built in my stomach, making me feel sick. Rick had just lost his son, his last tie to the world before and I was acting like this? It was so ridiculous.