» Time Is Dancing « | » Carl Grimes «

» A MONTH LATER «

"Stop Saying Sorry All The Time." - "Sorry, I Can't Help It."

The medical trailer had become like a safe haven for me in the past month. It was mostly empty aside from Enid, but her presence wasn't off putting in the slightest. She had always been there for me in the hardest times of my life and I was grateful.

It served as a distraction from what was truly on my mind. Nagging at my brain like hooks, digging into each line and curve. Whenever there was a quiet moment my mind always drifted back to Rick.

Not in a sad, mournful way but rather a confused one. The whole event still kind of baffled me. I thought he was impossible to kill, that nothing could even touch him. But here we were, the hole in my chest being enough proof that he was gone.

I startled out of my distant thoughts when the door clicked open, Siddiq stepping inside with a nervous expression. I caught a glimpse of the sky, bright blue with swirling clouds, and wondered momentarily when the day started. It had been night when I started working.

"I'll just...go." Enid mumbled awkwardly before leaving, the door clattering behind her.

Siddiq sat next to me at the desk, fiddling with the elastic bands strewn across it. He swallowed hard once before sighing, dropping the bands.

"I haven't seen you for a while." His voice was soft, reassuring. I didn't meet his gaze as my mind worked. I think this could've been the second time I saw him in the past month, the first being the night that Rick-

I had a feeling I knew why he was here. It was another thing that had been constantly picking at my mind, something we really did need to talk about.

He bit his lip at my silence, shuffling closer to my side and trying to connect our eyes. "I know you're never gonna take that ring off." His gentle tone was one of acceptance and understanding. I glanced down at my fingers, noticing the way I subconsciously twisted the ring. I hadn't even realised I picked up the nervous habit.

Siddiq was a nice guy, a perfect person and there was nothing wrong with him. It was all me. It would always be about Carl.

"I thought I moved on." My confession was low, barely a mutter. "I wanted to move on, with you. But maybe it was too soon, or maybe it's something I'll never get over, I don't know."

My words trailed off as I shrugged, my shaky voice suddenly unable to continue. I didn't want to tell Siddiq the truth. I didn't want to tell him that being with him felt like a betrayal to Carl, seeing as he was the one who saved his life. I didn't want to admit that I felt an overwhelming guilt every time we kissed because I still held on to these feelings I used to have.

"I'm sorry." I was embarrassed by the way my apology came out as a whimper, tears filling my eyes.

"You don't need to be sorry. We can still be friends." He smiled softly, his hand on my shoulder in a comforting gesture.

I let out a humourless chuckle, my fingers swiping the tears as they fell. "How can you be friends with me when-when I'm such a mess." I exclaimed, swallowing thickly. "Why do you even like me?"

Siddiq's gentle gaze turned into something that looked like shock, maybe confusion. "Because, you're strong and beautiful and funny, and you're so amazing." He insisted, my eyes finally meeting his. They appeared genuine, but that only made my whimpers turn into sobs.

"I don't know if I can carry on anymore." The words trembled as they fell from my lips. "The people I love keep dying and I can't stop it."

I didn't know how someone was supposed to answer a confession like that, but Siddiq seemed to figure it out. His arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders as my cries muffled in his shirt. I felt his hand on my hair, holding me close.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." My senseless apologies were spoken into his chest as the fabric dampened. What was I apologising for? Breaking up with him, maybe my sudden display of sorrow that he wasn't required to deal with, but he did anyway. Perhaps I was saying sorry for the hope I gave him. I never meant to imply that we could've had a future together, even if that's something I wanted dearly.

"I'm so sorry."

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Day 9281820392817 of missing Carl Grimes :)

I didn't want to just go straight in with the five year time jump because a lot would've happened in between but I promise it's coming soon