» Time Is Dancing « | » Carl Grimes «

» THE WELL «

It's Like I Didn't Even Have A Heart Or Lungs Or Brain Inside Me, Just Emptiness

It was like no one else existed right now. I couldn't look at Carl or Rick or Michonne, and Maggie and Sasha already left for the Hilltop. I avoided Rosita, Aaron, Eugene. They were going through their own grief and I didn't want to involve myself in that.

Today had been the longest day of my life. Nobody spoke when we arrived back in Alexandria. I just went home. It felt so empty now. Noah died long ago, Tara was still on that two week run. She didn't even know Denise was dead. Maggie was gone and Glenn...

I wanted to pretend like I didn't exist. Just sleep the days away until I never woke up. But there was an uneasy feeling in my chest. Just a few steps down the hall was a closed door, behind it the place where he used to sleep. His own space, the space where he was himself. The thought tugged at my brain painfully until I found myself standing outside the room.

The door looked like every other door in every other house in the community, but my mind knew it was different in its own way.

It looked so normal. There were books haphazardly tossed on the dresser and clothes folded up on the chair. The bed sheets were crumpled and the curtains were only half open. It looked like the kind of room someone would come back to, but I knew that wouldn't be the case. It just looked so normal.

I couldn't leave it like this. I straightened the books and placed them back on the shelf, the pile of clothes going into the respective drawers. I organised the shoes along the wall and gathered all the papers and plans on the desk, filing them into the cabinet by Maggie's side of the bed. Maybe she would come back for them. I pulled the sheet tight to smooth out all the wrinkles, tucking it into the frame and setting the pillows up against the head board.

I took the clothes from the hooks on the wall, slipping hangers into the shoulders and lining them up in the wardrobe. I frowned when I saw a familiar looking brown jacket, a few scrubbed out stains of blood and dirt remaining. I had seen it at the prison, in the train car at Terminus, a hundred times within the gates of Alexandria. Maggie had worn it, I had worn it. But it belonged to Glenn.

I didn't think twice before I put my arms through the sleeves, the familiar smell and softness of the material surrounding me.

I flicked on the light in the cupboard, narrowing my eyes at the mess of crumpled clothes and boxes. It would take a lot of sorting out. I tugged on the nearest T-shirt, my eyes widening when the whole tower of items tumbled out onto the floor. I let out a frustrated groan before sinking to my knees, picking up the box by my side.

I knew what was inside, I had been avoiding it for so long. But now he was gone, maybe it was time. I tossed the lid into the pile, my fingers skimming the collection of photographs tucked inside. He liked taking photos, even in a world like this. There were lots of familiar faces captured in the images, full of smiles and laughs and sometimes exasperation.

There was one of Beth and Maggie, Tyreese and Bob and Sasha, me and Carl. There was even one of Daryl, looking completely caught off guard with a scowl on his face. There were more recent ones, too, since we arrived in Alexandria. Me, Enid and Maggie on the porch, Carl and Judith. He always said it was important to take our photos because we seemed to grow up so fast. I winced when my fingers skimmed one of Abraham on the wall, a cigar in his mouth and a peace sign thrown up to the camera.

My lip trembled as I landed on one in particular. I could remember it being taken. When Maggie stood at the end of the table with a smile on her face, almost laughing at the way Glenn scratched his head in confusion. His eyes were on my worksheet as he insisted on helping me out, but it seemed like he knew about as much as I did. Then Maggie said "say cheese", but neither of us realised she had the camera pointed at us until the flash came from the bulb. That explained our natural confusion in the picture in my hand. I remember laughing when Maggie showed us the final product, but it didn't make me laugh now.

I stumbled to my feet, my weak legs giving up as I landed on the bed, my eyes brimming with tears as everything went blurry around me. I couldn't hold it back. This photo was the closest I would be to Glenn for the rest of my life. It's like a wave of pain started in my stomach, forcing itself up into my chest and throat and brain until it could finally break through my mouth in a lost scream. Its like the only thing in the world was this disgusting, terrible grief settling in every bone and cell of my body as I curled myself up, the box of pictures sitting in my lap. I never knew I could feel like this.

I placed the lid of the box back on as my cries diminished into watery sniffles, the one photo of us sitting on top. I always thought it was a bad photo, but I didn't care anymore.

There was a soft knock and a creak as the door slowly swung open, Enid's hand gripping it as she stepped into the room. I bit my cheek when I noticed her red eyes and damp cheeks.

"I-I could hear you in here." She struggled out, her voice quiet and broken. I wished I could've kept her from it, I wish she never found out. "Can I stay in here with you?"

I nodded my head gently, watching the way her shoulders relaxed as she got into the bed. Her head rested on the pillow and one hand tucked the blanket under her chin, the other reaching out to grasp mine.

It didn't take her long to fall asleep. She looked exhausted anyway, and crying so much would've only made it worse. I could feel my own eyes drifting occasionally, but after a moment of peace they would snap back open, reminding me where I was. I just watched Enid's steady breathing, the twitch in her eyebrows as she appeared to be having a bad dream. Sometimes her soft hand would suddenly tighten and I would brush my thumb against it gently until her features relaxed again. I just wanted her to be okay.

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Grief is hard to write