» Time Is Dancing « | » Carl Grimes «

» DEAD OR ALIVE OR PT.1 «

Apple Core Emptiness

"Gracie, huh?" I held the new baby in my arms, bouncing her up and down on my hip for her own entertainment. Maggie glanced up from the desk, watching me with kind eyes.

"Aaron brought her back. Cute, right?" She got to her feet, tickling the girl under her chin. It was like some sort of baby fever had spread through the community recently.

I squinted as I peered into her eyes, feeling her forehead with the back of my hand. "I'll give her a check up whenever I've got time, just a routine thing, you know? You can never be too careful."

I suddenly remembered Siddiq and his talents as a trained doctor, my lips opening to speak when I was interrupted by the door clicking open.

Dianne walked in with concern evident on her face, the door shutting behind her. "Bertie and I finished the inventory." She placed a sheet of paper in Maggie's hand and I watched her expression twist in thought.

"By our count, you're gonna have to cut rations by another third just to make it through the week." Dianna concluded, her hands on her hips.

I scanned my eyes over the page, the words causing them to widen slightly. "Is this with or without the prisoners?" I asked, my hold on Gracie tightening in a protective stance.

Dianne shook her head, implying the worst. We had no choice but to cut off their rations. The people of the Hilltop came first.

»« »« »« »«

I crunched the apple in my hand, the shiny red surface breaking from the force of my teeth. The sweetness dripped down my tongue as I swallowed, taking bite after bite until all that remained was the browning core.

My eyes scanned the trees as I leaned against the wall, watching for any movement from outside. It wasn't common for me to be a patient person, but my worry mixed with my desperation for my family to be safe made it all that much worse. Surely they should be here by now.

The ladder clattered against the post as Maggie climbed up carefully, resting her forearms on the wooden wall beside me.

"When we ran into the Saviors, they killed one of ours." She avoided my eyes, training them on the foliage ahead of her. "I killed a prisoner in return."

I chewed my lip, shuffling on my feet but keeping my mouth shut. She frowned at my silence, turning to look at me. "Do you think it was the right call?"

My lip fell from my teeth, the thoughts in my brain churning at a hundred miles an hour. "I've been thinking about the prisoners, about why we haven't killed them yet. It would've been easier to kill them at the outpost, but sometimes the easy way isn't the right way." I met her eyes with a comforting glance. "I would've done the same thing."

Maggie nodded, her arm wrapping over my shoulders. "I wanted to ask you to stay here. When the war is over and everything is okay. This baby's gonna need an aunt, and I'm gonna need a sister. And the Hilltop is gonna need a leader."

She stopped me before I could protest. "I'm not stepping down, if that's what you're thinking. I just- I'm following Glenn's lead, I'm doing everything he would want me to do. He loved you, and you loved him and I think that's something. I thought you might wanna be here for the baby, too."

I pursed my lips, a pit of nerves forming in my stomach. I wanted to be at the Hilltop, but I had to be in Alexandria. I had to be with Carl-

'Tell her. Tell her now.'

"Maggie, I gotta tell you something." I swallowed my fear, taking a deep breath as she waited for me to continue. "I'm-"

I cut off my own words, my thoughts becoming suddenly distracted by a movement in the trees. I grabbed the binoculars resting on the pole, bringing them up to my eyes.

"It's Daryl." I breathed out with relief, hurrying down the ladder as Maggie followed me. My feet carried me over to the gates as they swung open with a creak, the familiar faces of my community coming into view.

The gates shut behind them, the cloud of dust settling on the ground as they found themselves in possibly the safest place on earth.

Daryl held Judith in his arms, the toddler's blonde hair swishing as her head spun in curiosity at this unfamiliar place. Rosita, Tara, Scott, Tobin-

"Where's Carl?" My question was so innocent, so oblivious. I wish I could've stayed that way. I had no idea this would be the worst day of my life. "Where is he?"

Daryl had tears in his own eyes as he met my confused gaze, the feeling increasing with every word he spoke.

"Carl's gone." His head shook gently, the solemn expression dropping into sympathy.

I swallowed thickly, my eyes dropping to my feet as they widened. The once sweet taste in my mouth twisted into something sour, prickling my tongue and seemingly clamping my mouth shut. Somewhere to my right, Enid collapsed to her knees, her loud, tearful sobs drumming my ears. Carol was there, too, with Daryl's arm wrapped comfortingly around her as she frowned sadly. I think there was a hand on my shoulder, I couldn't be sure, but Maggie's voice followed. It was watery and soft as she spoke to me but I brushed her away, stepping to my father.

"Where's Michonne?" My monotonous voice asked bluntly, a particular heaviness pulling me down like weights. The woman wasn't with the group, either.

Daryl had something similar to surprise in his features, worry flickering in his eyes. I understood that because I was feeling it, too.

"She-she stayed behind, to be with him until..." His words were so quiet I almost didn't hear them, like he didn't want me to. Maybe I was becoming predictable in my actions.

My jaw clenched hard as my nose stung with future tears but I pushed it down. There was no time for crying right now, I had things to do.

My feet suddenly took off in the direction of the gate, my fingers scrambling around the handle of a car door as I heaved it open, my breaths hard and heavy with emotion.

"Belle." Maggie reached out for me, her hand pulling mine back as I started to sit down. Her voice was barely a whisper. "Belle, stop."

I groaned with such a frustration I had never felt before, my foot kicking out harshly against the tire of the car. I could barely feel the dull ache starting from my toes, the force pushing the pain all the way to my knee.

"I gotta say goodbye, I need to-" I yelled, my arms moving in wild gestures as my face formed a scowl.

"It's too late." Her words shook as her eyes once again filled up with tears, but this time I felt mine do it, too.

"I didn't say goodbye." I wailed, my whole body trembling with the worst kind of fear. I forced my tears down when they sprang over my cheeks, fingers swiping at the water drops before they could grow any more. "I should've stayed, I-"

Maggie nodded sadly, holding her arms out for an embrace but I pushed her away, my hands snapping out against her. This seemed to make her more emotional because her lip started to wobble, a few tears tracing her cheekbone before dripping from her chin.

I didn't want to be here.

The car door slammed shut but I didn't feel my numb fingers push it, my boots scuffed the dirt and grass as I walked away but I took no notice of the plumes of dust.

My knees finally gave out in the last place I wanted to be- Glenn's grave. I internally chuckled a humourless laugh. It was like I was trying to make myself depressed.

My legs curled up to my chest as I drew myself inwards, a tight little ball of fear sat by the pile of soil that held my brother.

I sucked in a breath, my lungs feeling like they were drowning. But I wouldn't cry, not here and certainly not now.

»« »« »« »«

RIP CARL IM CRYING
Don't judge me because I cried writing this

But as they say, the show must go on even without him, and on it will go.

Any questions?