Until Then...

Chapter - 39

It had been a while since Mo Gaung Shan questioned why he desired to stay alive. To be honest, he was too busy with his new job and enjoying a dream came true too much that he forgot to wallow in sorrow for his miserable life. But there were some occasions when he was reminded that he was living in a hypothetical bubble that could burst at any time.
 
Occasions like this one. He was on his way to work for evening shift and since there was still an hour left, he got off mid town and decided to walk through the busy centers near hotels. And as fate may have wanted, he accidently laid eyes on a couple sitting inside a high end café. Normally he would have ignored it and walked his way but the man sitting with his side frame toward him was no one other that He Tian. And the woman sitting across from him…since he was a few meters away from them, he couldn’t see the face clearly but there was no way he could mistake. It was He Tian with another person.
 
So what did it matter to him that He Tian was meeting with a woman? Should he feel bothered? Should he upset? When he was watching the couple talking to each other, even though he couldn’t move his eyes or body away from it, he was not feeling anything in particular. There was only one thought in his head. “Oh, so he meets with women too.” There was nothing in between them for him to act concerned or angry. With that in mind, he started to walk away in the opposite direction pulling his hat down further to shield his face. He was just one of many that mafia bastard toyed with. He had nothing to do with this. Literally nothing at all.
 
“Oi! Mo Guang Shan! You stupid carrot head. How many plates are you going to drop today? Huh?” Mo cringed at the ear piercing shriek from their Sou chef, LinLin as he knelt down to pick up the pieces. He was kind of spaced today and couldn’t concentrate at all for some reason. And the result was two broken plates plus deafening yell and a powerful slap on his back. The only woman in this entire kitchen, LinLin was dessert specialist and she was feared by all even the head chef took her ideas seriously. And as much as Mo disliked her overbearing and mighty attitude, he respected her as a senior and a skilled chef. “…I am sorry.” He mumbled the apology as he threw the pieces in the trash under LinLin’s death glare. “If your head is not here, then what do you come here for? I swear if you drop another, I will break the broom on your head.” She was as tall as Mo at 178cm with well built athletic body and a head full of dyed sandy blonde. Even though she wasn’t cute and feminine like at all, she was pleasant to look at. With 3 years of being a dessert specialist at five star hotel under her belt, Mo felt it was normal she was full of herself.
 
He didn’t say anything but nodded at her threat and headed to clean the dishes. He needed to focus. Slapping himself on the cheek hard, Mo drove his all to clean the mountain of dishes. Drowning himself in work was something he was skilled at. Time flies while he kept himself busy and then it was finally closing time. He avoided talking with others and quietly changed by himself. Even then he was staring out into space while his fingers repeatedly untangled the same button. “Are you sleeping while standing?” a sudden voice startled him and he jumped. “What the…LinLin?” He blinked fast, back pressed against the lockers as he stared at the intruder. She was already changed out of her uniform and stood before him with crossed arms. “Are you coming down with a cold or something?” Mo ignored her question and quickly took off his shirt and pulled his yellow hoodie over his head. “…I am not. And why are you not gone yet?”
 
LinLin clicked her tongue and she raised her voice again, slamming Mo’s locker shut with a hand. “We are going drinking tonight. All of us. Head chef order. Don’t even think about sneaking away.” “Do I really need to?” Mo whined as he threw his backpack on shoulder and sighed dejectedly. “Just come out already. You shitty red head.” “Hey, you are really pushing your luck, gorilla woman.” “What did you call me?” They were about to hit each other when head chef came out. Immediately, both stopped and stood glaring at each other. One thing led to another and soon the whole kitchen staffs now sat inside their usual pub, drinking and engaging in conversation loud and noisy. Although he was against it at first, after drinking 3 beers straight, Mo felt it was nice to let loose once in a while.
 
He checked the watch and it was around 11pm. Usually, he was picked up by He Tian as soon as the work ended but today he didn’t feel like calling him. At all. He put his phone on silent and went to order another beer. “Slow down, red head. You gonna puke your guts out.” He heard someone said when he grabbed the mug enthusiastically. “LinLin…mind you, I am not light weight.” He said and gulped down the foamy liquid , pleased that the bitter sweet taste filled his mouth and soon his mind started to groggy. He smiled as the bubbly sensation started to set in. “Are you having relationship problems or something? Acting weird and drinking like a sailor.” LinLin said as she chewed on snacks. Mo whipped his head toward her so fast, she backed away for a bit in surprise. “What? Did I guess right?” She chuckled and took a swing from her own mug. Mo pushed himself toward the wall and leaned against the cool concrete with a sigh. “It’s not even a relationship.”
 
LinLin wasn’t expecting Mo to start talking about his problems considering his personality but seemed like the alcohol did a good job at lowering his guard. So not to miss the opportunity, she scooped beside Mo and sat eager to listen to rare gossip. “Say…LinLin…if…I mean by a big if…. If a person who hurt you so much in the past apologizes for their actions, will you forgive that person?” LinLin sighed as she finished her drink and she sat with her legs drawn to the chest. “Hmm…difficult question. I guess it depends on how much pain that person cause. For example, I will never get back together with a cheating two timing bastard. Is that what you mean?” She peeked at Mo who had his eyes fixed on wooden wall across. When he heard her answer, he couldn’t hold back a dry laugh and burst out laughing. “What…what is it?” LinLin asked a bit puzzled by his out of character act.
 
Mo shook his head and wiped his eyes. “Ah, nothing. I just thought that is what everyone will think.” “Of course. I mean why will anyone stay with someone who can’t be trusted. That just too masochist.” “So how about a two timing bastard who is known of violence and abusive tendencies?” Mo was still not looking at her but at the blank wall instead. There was a pause between the two. The pub was noisy with people chatter and sound of glass clinking on the table. “…Are you in trouble, Mo Guang Shan?” LinLin asked in a low voice. Mo sighed and smiled. “…I don’t even know whether I am in trouble or not. Not anymore.” LinLin grabbed his arm and she pulled him to look at her. “If you are wrapped up in some bad shit with abusive person, you need to get away as quick as you can. Love or not, there is no shit that justify you getting beaten.”
 
Mo looked at her, his eyes softened and a bit misty. Even though they had only known each other for a short time, he could tell she was a good person. “…LinLin…I am not in trouble. I said a big if, didn’t I?” He smiled to reassure her and patted her shoulder. Even though she was not convinced, she let go of his arm and sat cross legged on the floor. And before they knew it, some of their co workers put new drinks in their hands. “Are they trying to knock us out?” LinLin said with a laugh as she raised the glass and drank it appreciatively. Mo laughed at her remark and he too drowned his drink. The two sat in silent for several minutes, both occupied in their own train of thoughts.
 
“…Hey, are you by any chance Gay? Or Bi?” LinLin broke the silent after finishing the whole glass and rubbed her lips contentedly. If Mo was asked such questions in his normal self, he would be flustered and all red but now he was drunk and in a state of letting-himself-go of the stress, he just listened and replied calmly. “…I am not sure what I am. How about you?” “I am Bi. Although I hate men and never been in a heterosexual relationship before.” “Huh? Then aren’t you just lesbian? Why Bi?” Mo said in a bit loud voice earning himself a slap on his head. “You are too loud, jerk. I meant what I said. Although I don’t like to be in a relationship with a man, I can have sex with them and I do enjoy it from time to time.” LinLin said with a shrug of her shoulder. Mo frown, trying to wrap his mind around what she said.
 
“…And from the way you talk about your ‘big if’, I can guess your partner is a man. Unless you are just spineless bastard tangled with an evil woman and getting beat up.” “You weirdo…you have really terrible mouth. And I don’t have a partner….At least not on my side.” LinLin’s eyes widened and she turned to face him. “Are you saying you are getting beat up by some random guy?” Mo sighed and covered his face in palms. “What the hell you take me for…Agh, my head hurt.” “Then what the hell are you saying? You call me weirdo but your thing is far more complicated than mine.” She huffed and lifted her glass but since it was empty, she slammed it back down on the floor. “…You don’t need to tell me. I know that myself…” “I don’t even remember how I got tied up in such complicated mess.” “Then get away from it. Is that not an option?” LinLin said as a matter of fact, she was too drunk and tired to think deeply for Mo’s round about conversation at this point.
 
“I…” Mo started but he found himself unable to finish the sentence. Instead he gripped his arms tight and buried himself in the knees. LinLin sighed and patted his head. “…I grew up in abusive home, you know. A long time ago but still the memories haunt me. The distrust and pain never go away. They will always remain in your mind and will keep fucking up your life and relationships. I can’t tell you that you will be able to get over it because I still haven’t. And I doubt I will ever be able to in this life.” Mo lifted his head and looked at LinLin who stared back at him with her almond brown eyes. “What are you trying to say?” She smacked hard on his back and made him yell out in pain. “I am saying buckle the fuck up and own the pain. You know you can’t trust this person but you can’t walk away from him. Then there is only one thing you can do. Live with it and figure out how you can turn this thing around. If the shit is complicated then find ways to solve it. ” Mo blinked her words were too heavy for his foggy mind to handle.
 
“And in the end if you can no longer find good in it, then you pack your bags and leave the scumbag behind. That’s how life is, Mo Guang Shan. You might have shitty luck but at least you have something going in your life. Appreciate the good and try to overcome the bad.” She patted his head, tenderly this time as she watched him trembled silently under her hand. “…But you know…some people are just bad. There is no turning them around. So…if you really are at your limit…you can always leave. I doubt you will get killed for it. What is there to afraid of?” Mo wanted to laugh at her words. If only she knew how deadly the person he was involved with. But it was better that she didn’t know the whole story and he was really thankful toward her for saying nice things when he was feeling bad. Solve the problem. If only he knew how…
 
By mid night, the group bid their goodbyes and one by one, they left. Mo and LinLin were one of the last ones to leave. “Hey…if things get worse, you can crash on my couch. It is available.” LinLin said as she threw jacket over her shoulder and started walking away. “Thanks…I will think about it.” Mo replied and waved at her. She stared at him for a few seconds before clicking her tongue. “Dumb fuck…” “Hey, I heard it.” “I wanted you to. Don’t fall and die on your way back.” She yelled as she walked away without looking back at angry Mo. After a while, he was the only one left. He took out his phone and checked it. Of course, there were several missed calls and messages. All from He Tian and a couple from his secretary. He pushed the phone in the pants pockets and sighed as he scanned the surrounding. There was a black car parked across the road with headlights on. He wanted to laugh, how was he going to run away when his every move was already tracked. Shaking his head, he walked toward the car and when he reached, the door opened revealing a certain dark haired person inside. He didn’t say anything but got inside and closed the door.
 
He Tian side eyed Mo as the car started to drive away and the red head settled beside him without a word. He had been waiting him since 9pm when his work was supposed to finish and the person who made him wait was not giving him any reason or any kind of explanation why he ignored his calls or why didn’t he contact him about this drinking party. Even though he tried to patient, he was really in a bad mood. “Why didn’t you pick up my calls?” He asked after several minutes trying his hardest not to explode. “…My phone was on silent. I didn’t notice.” Mo replied curtly not facing He Tian. He Tian gritted his teeth at Mo’s action and honestly, he was trying his best to stay calm. This was not helping. “What is your problem, Mo Guang Shan?” “…” “Hey, I am asking you.” He Tian grabbed Mo’s arm and pulled him to face him. Mo didn’t resist and turn to look at the dark haired man who was glowering with fury.
 
“And what is your problem?” Mo asked as he pulled free from He Tian’s hand. He Tian was taken aback by his retort, he blinked a couple of times. Why was he the one getting yell at? “Hey…I am the one who get to be angry here. What will you do if you get kidnap or something?” Mo glared at him, his previous meek attitude was out of the window. “I went to a drinking party. How the fuck will I get kidnap? And don’t you have like a troop following me and tracking my phone? Like a fucking stalker?” He Tian closed his mouth. He then sighed and run a hand through his hair, pulling the strands in frustration. “…I am just worry about you. You could have called and told me about this.” Mo turned away and folded his arms over the chest. “…Why are you so angry?” He Tian asked, he was angry sure but he didn’t want to fight with Mo and say something wrong and ruined their fragile relationship. Not again.
 
“…I am angry at myself…” Mo replied , his eyes gleaming with fire as he glanced at He Tian. “I could have just run away…” “Mo…” “But like a fucking idiot, here I am. Fucking sitting together like this is normal.” He bit his lip as a rumble rose from his chest and his eyes stung. “Fuck…” The silent in the car was deafening but neither of them continued the conversation the whole way to their house. Mo gritted his teeth together to hold back the tears threatening to fall from his eyes as frustration reached the limit. He Tian just stared at the scenery outside, not registering anything whatsoever.
 
The car pulled into the driveway and came to a stop. He Tian was the first one to leave the car. Normally he would wait for Mo but today, he marched ahead without looking back. Mo staggered out of the car and slammed the door shut despite the driver’s offer to close the door for him. He Tian side glanced at the drunk Mo who was walking in zig zag and in frustration, he sighed and took large stride over to Mo and grabbed him by the arm. “What…” “Shut up.” He half pulled and half dragged Mo into the house while the latter protested with all his might, flinging his free hand around and kicking at He Tian. The two finally made it into the house and He Tian dropped Mo in the living room. “Do you think I am garbage or something? Asshole.” Mo yelled as he fell on the cushions and rolled in it while He Tian went to the kitchen to get some water. After a few seconds, He Tian came back and gave Mo who was now lying on top of the cushion in most uncomfortable position he had ever seen the glass.
 
“Drink this.” Mo glanced at the glass and smirked. “What is this? Poison?” He Tian sighed and sat across from him after putting the glass in Mo’s hand. “Why will I need to poison you? Just drink water and go to sleep. We will talk later.” Mo drunk the glass despite his protests and dropped the glass on the floor with a clatter. “Talk about what?” He sighed contentedly into a cushion pillow and buried his face. He Tian stood over him and replied. “This. Why you drunk yourself silly and think about running away?” He too then dropped beside Mo and sighed. “What am I doing wrong? Why can’t you still accept me? Didn’t you say that you would stay with me?” Mo looked up from his pillow. “I did say that didn’t I?” He laughed dryly and then ended with a sigh. “…I don’t know what to do anymore.” He Tian looked at him, he was no longer angry but instead, he felt afraid. He didn’t want to hear any more from Mo. “Look, let’s talk in the morning. Ok.” He desperately wanted to run away. Why was this happening? Just when he thought they were doing good, why did this always happen?
 
“I don’t know how to live a normal life. Not anymore. I don’t even understand why I am struggling to stay alive. In this shitty world with someone like you. Ha ha ha…” He pressed a hand over his eyes and let the tears rolled down his cheek. “I so wish I have the guts to kill you and run away.” He Tian stopped a few steps away from him but he didn’t turn back or got pissed off like he usually did. Even though he felt his heart was about to explode and he wanted to stop Mo from saying anymore toxic words, he didn’t. He just stood and listened. “Hey, He Tian…will you kill me if I run away?” He turned his head toward He Tian and chuckled, finding himself ridiculous for asking such obvious question. The two didn’t speak for a while, one lying on the cushions and another stood still in the middle of the room. “…aren’t you going to say something?” Mo asked his eyes were too heavy to keep them open. He just wanted to drift away into darkness and drown himself in nothingness. “…I don’t know…” “Oh…” Mo thought to himself how strange. He expected him to say either he was going to keep him locked up or killed him and then himself. Something wacky along those lines. Not this simple answer. He tried to ask another question but no voice came out. He found himself dragged away into the softness of the cushions and the comfortable embrace of Morpheus.
 
He Tian turned around and saw Mo had fallen asleep in the middle of conversation. For some reasons, he thanked the gods for this. He went and picked Mo up in his arms and carried him to his room. The red head groaned and mumbled something his sleep as He Tian laid him down on his bed. Without a care to the dangers, Mo slept, completely knocked out by the alcohol. He Tian sat beside Mo on the bed and leaned his head on his knuckles, gazing at Mo’s face. “Even if I understand and know that you are suffering…I can’t let go of you, Guang Shan. I couldn’t answer your question because…I no longer know what I will do if you were to run away.” He held his hand and rubbed circles with his fingers on his wrist. “I don’t want to kill you. Rather, I can’t kill you. But I will not lose you as well. Though I promised to never hurt you ever again, I…am afraid I…might do something terrible…Guang Shan…” He leaned down and kissed Mo on his forehead. “…Sleep well. And I hope you are feeling better tomorrow.” He caressed his cheeks and soon got up and left the room. The door swung closed leaving the red head in deep sleep unaware of anything happening in the material worlds.
 
At least while he was dreaming, he was free and not tied down by anything. He was loved and he loved genuinely…But that was only in dreams

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Hi guys.
I am still doing fine. Except there is no internet connection at my place so I been living a seclusive life for a while now.
I am not sure when will I be able to update but I will be back.
To be honest I am kinda not feeling good about this chapter. So I apologizes for that.
Hope you guys are safe and well.