Until Then...

Chapter - 61

When I close my eyes at night before forcing myself to drift off into sleep, I wish there would be nothing but silence. With each breath, I wish my mind would be free of the plans for tomorrow, forget the disappointments I faced during the day and just be empty. Even though my rational brain knows what happened yesterday couldn't be fixed and what's coming tomorrow cannot be predicted, I still drag myself through this never ending cycle. Is it just me? Or does everyone experience the same? To dwell in the past is a foolish venture and to worry for coming future is an egoistic venture. But to stay content in the present is a loser's conduct. Is life truly a blessing? Really?

There were so many things Jian Yi wanted to say to Zhang Xi, so many things he prepared in the back of his mind that he would throw at this lousy guy who left him without so much a goodbye. So many things but now that he saw him standing there covered in white bandages, he couldn't recall any of it. Was he relief to see him alive? Was he happy Zhang Xi didn't run away from him? He didn't know. He watched Zhang Xi smiled at him meekly as he came toward him with his bony hands awkwardly fidgeting beside his thin frame and he thought it didn't matter. None of it matter... Previously he would be crying his eyes out and jumped into Zhang Xi arms but for some reasons, he felt the magma inside his chest kept simmering but not boiling over. His heart ached, so much so that he wanted to drop into fetal position and hugged himself tight.

"You look well, Yi. I..." Zhang Xi stood before him with his head hang low and nervously shifting on his feet without looking directly into Jian Yi's eyes. "...You...." Jian Yi wanted to comfort him, but he couldn't bring himself to do so. He balled his fists and watched Zhang Xi stood before him in a pathetic mess. "I am sorry...I didn't mean to leave you...I really didn't." That's when Jian Yi felt a jolt of energy shot through his spine and the simmering pot within his rib cage tipped over, it spilled out of him with fiery passion. "Uwahhh....aaa" Everyone in the room stilled in their place at Jian Yi's sudden cry, no one knew what to make of a grown man brawling his eyes out with snot running down his face. He Tian pressed his lips into a tight line trying to keep a laugh in as he watched the sight before him with glee. Zhang Xi also didn't know what to do and he was flustered, was he supposed to hug him or comfort him? Get him a tissue? Or help Jian Yi wipe his face with his shirt? What was he supposed to do?

Hesitantly, he reached out to hold Jian Yi's shoulder and nervously tried to console him. "Yi... Yi... I am sorry. It's my fault...Please.... don't cry." But that seemed to do the opposite and Jian Yi cried harder, slamming his fists on Zhang Xi's chest. "Ouch...yes. Yes. I deserve this. I am sorry for leaving you...My love...hmm...please...'' 'What did you call me?" Jian Yi hiccupped and sniffled. "My love?" Zhang Xi repeated, not understanding the kind of magic these words held but at least they did great job, stopping Jian Yi's tears. "...You never called me that before...'' He wiped his eyes with the back of his hands and blew his nose messily. "I know...I wanted to...but I am sorry, I am late. I love you, Yi. You have no idea how much I missed you..." Zhang Xi took Jian Yi's hands in his and gently massaged the knuckles. He loved this warmth in his hands, this man before him with his most beautiful golden hair and soft eyes. He wanted to do nothing more than hold him in his arms and never let go. From the moment, they lie together, he knew this man was his haven. His heaven on earth. "I love you too.... You jerk...YOU LEFT ME ALONE... uwahhh...." Jian Yi threw himself at Zhang Xi and almost tackled him to the floor if not for Zhang Xi's strong core. Zhang Xi smiled, burying his face in the nook of Jian Yi's shoulders, breathing in the warmth scent that reminded him of warm summer afternoons and felt the heartbeat resonating his own. He never want to let go of this comfort, this happiness.... this love.

"Ok...show's over. Settle down, you people." He Tian clapped his hands and let the two lovers knew that they were not alone in the office and shouldn't let things escalate further. Embarrassed, the two separated but kept their hands tangled as they awkwardly went to the sofa, avoiding the curious eyes of the staffs waiting on them. Jian Yi sat so close to Zhang Xi that their shoulders were mushed together, and he kept his hand tight on Zhang Xi's with a bashful smile. He Tian rolled his eyes and cleared his throat before starting his speech. This scene was too sickly sweet for him. "I am not here to arrange your reunion party so keep your lovey dovey stuff for later. I am here to talk business with Mr. Zhang Xi." He poured another cup of coffee for himself and glared at the two who were cozy, smiling at each other stupidly.