Until Then...

Chapter - 50

The seven stages of grief.

Supposedly people feel and cope with loss and grief in this process. Starting from feeling numb and in denial, later advance to explosive anger then down the pits of depression before climbing up to the last step of acceptance and hope. Seven easy steps for those of us reading and contemplating the meaning in our heads but for the people experiencing it, shoved right into their faces would feel differently.

Disbelief that someone you hold dear to your heart left you with nothing but emptiness in your life. The Pain that woke you up in the middle of the night and made you relive the whole thing over and over. Your body going out of control in rage toward someone, something, anything until you, yourself broke down into seemingly bottomless depression and despair where you feel dying is salvation.

And after innumerable amount of time, you reach the door of acceptance, accepting the reality that you had lost someone, something and that they are never coming back. In that last step, you pray, you wish and you hope they are in a better place, they are now happy and that one day, you will also join them and be together again.

It all sound sweet and comforting but could this also be a way to make you realize that there is nothing else you can do? The person you lost, the things you couldn't obtain are never coming back. They are gone forever. There is nothing in your power that you can do to change it. Give up. Breathe. Keep on living. Keep trying. Till one day it is your turn and it would be other people's steps of grief over your going away.

It is a cycle of life reminding us...you are not omnipotent.

Locked inside his own room, put in house arrest and left alone to suffer and wallow in his sorrow, one would think Zhang Xi's seven steps would take an awful amount of time before he could pull himself together and get back up on his own feet. But...on the morning of the 3rd day since the whole ordeal with his father's death, Zhang Xi dragged his unshaven, disheveled self off the floor. His steps toward the bathroom were quiet but steady. And after reaching the shower stall, he dunked his head under cold water and stood under it till he was chilled to the bone.

After soaking himself in ice cold water for several minutes, he finally got out in the same manner with his expression rigid. There wasn't much hint of life in his complexion, his lips were pale, stubble stuck out on his chin and his hair was a mess on top of his head. Water slid down his naked skin and struck the floor as he walked out into the room all nude from head to toe.

His room was no longer a mess for his sister cleaned up every day after he broke them in his outburst but there was fewer stuff than before. Soundlessly, he went over to his dresser and took out a causal suit and tie. You can be sad, you can be grieving, you can be angry but so long as you live and see another day, you are expected to pick yourself up and face it with all you might. The same went for Zhang Xi.

He was in despair, he was depressed, he was angry for everything that happened to him in past days but he was still alive. And so, he had to keep up the struggle for another day. He threw a white shirt over his toned arms and quietly buttoned it up to the neck. After a few more minutes of dressing himself in black suits and matching pants, he finally looked himself in the mirror as he tied a dark tie around his neck.

The strain from the past three days was prominent on his face. He had dark circles under his eyes, his cheeks were a bit hallowed and with stubble added to the appearance, he looked gaunt and visibly exhausted.

But if there was something that screamed "I am still here", it would be his honey-colored eyes which held the fire that burn hot and fierce in contrast to the rest of his face. He was no longer a polished and prim young master. He was someone who finally had a taste of what life really was. The cruel reality which he had tried so hard to ignore his whole life had finally caught up with him and he had no choice but to embrace it and change along with it.