Until Then...

Chapter 40

Humans are pitiful creatures. They set boundaries for themselves; they tie their limbs with pretty words of ethic and inhibit themselves from their true nature. That's why they are the only creatures on earth who use any means necessary to ease their pain and ruin their lives. A tablet of ecstasy can liberate themselves from chains of reality and a drop of alcohol would become the courage they need to face their inner self.

Mo Gaung Shan who indulged himself in heavy drinking to delude his own emotions woke up with a splitting headache for a start. The sun light came down through the curtain was too bright for his strained eyes and he groaned, rolled himself in blanket. But sadly, he ended up rolling himself off the bed and with a thud, he hit the floor. "Oww...why...everything hurts." He buried his face in the blanket and wiggled on the floor like a three year old kid.

How did he get here? He thought as pungent smell filled his nose and a wave of nausea rose in his chest. Covering his mouth, he got up quick and stumbled himself toward the bathroom. Crouched into the sink, he tried to empty his hollow stomach but as expected, nothing came out. He groaned loudly in pain and washed himself. Cold water brought some clarity to his head and he sighed staring at the disheveled red head in the mirror. His tired face stared back at him with red eyes as if asking him did he remember last night incidents.

As if stung by something, he abruptly turned on his heels and headed to shower. The water rained down on him coolly washing the fatigue, the stench of alcohol and general weariness away. How he wished he didn't remember anything from last night but sad for him because he remembered everything. Every single thing. Even though the water was cold, his face started to heat up and he hid his face in the palms, wanting to scream his heart out. Why the hell did he make a scene? And did he cry? "Oh god...No." He hit himself in the face unable to handle the hung over embarrassment.

As the water cool down not only his body but also his mind, he remembered what was the root of last night horror scene. Silently, turned the water off, he wrapped a towel around his waist and got out. His clothes were on the floor, scattered. He acted shamelessly last night, out of jealousy. Jealousy. He was jealous? His face became red as the realization soon spread like wildfire in his head. He was jealous of He Tian's relationship with some girl. He threw the clothes in the hamper like they were the culprit and quickly dressed himself in a t shirt and a pair of short jeans. Why the fuck was he jealous? Even though his mind was crumbling down in endless questions, his body moved around the room, tidying the bed, opening the windows as if on auto pilot.

After a few minutes of running around the room like a maniac, he finally plodded himself down on the bed. A tint of warmth spread on his cheeks as he stared vacantly at the floor. He liked He Tian...The realization came. Like a pin dropped on metal surface, a sharp stinging noise run off in his head. He could feel his heart beating steadily inside the chest, no quickening of breath, no rise on pulse, nothing extreme happened even though he just had a big revelation. He wiped his face with a hand and held his face in the thinker pose, leaning forward heavily on his knees.

May be he knew it all along. May be...But he still hated him. He still feared him. To this day, the horrid memories from when He Tian forced himself on him and when he was beaten black and blue were still vivid in his mind. He could blind himself and say it was all in the past. That He Tian now treated him really well and really seemed to like him. But he couldn't. He was abused, not just once. But over and over again. He bit his lips and frowned deeply as the disgust and horror started to crawl out from his skin.

He hated Shen Li and his underlings whole heartedly. He swore he would at least beat them to dead if he ever saw them again. There would be no hesitation but with He Tian... The pain was fiercer and the wound was deeper beyond he could comprehend. He hated him, he still did. He hated the man who ruined his life. He hated that mafia bastard who smirked without a care in the world and acted like an idiot around him. He hated....His vision turned blurry and tears fell unknowingly. He knew why he hated He Tian more than the other two. He understood why it hurt him more than when he was used and tossed around like a toy by others. Those others weren't He Tian and he had no feelings toward them.