These days, we use the word "Lost" pretty easily. When we don't know what to order at the restaurant, we say lost. When we misread the directions on maps and wander the streets for a couple minutes, we say lost. When we wake up and stare at the ceiling, unable to recall what is it that we are supposed to do for the day, we mutter lost. It is used willy nelly even when the meaning doesn't fit the circumstances perfectly.
The feeling of lost, the one that doesn't come from merely uttering the word but come with the emotion of having a hole in your chest as you sit in the quiet of your room and stared at the still scenery outside your window on a weekend as the sun shine bright, the sky are blue and the trees don't rustle, a day others would call pleasant, making you feel empty both in the head and heart ...I wonder if this ambiguous feeling can be the ultimate meaning of lost. Unable to recover, unable to find a way, the feeling of emptiness...to sum it up, it is called "lost".
It felt heavy. Why was it so hard for me to open my eyes? Even though I tried to muster up, there is no strength in my entire body. I don't like this. I tried to open my mouth but there was something logged inside my throat, and I couldn't feel my lips. There was something faint beeping in the background, my ears felt clogged. I want to remove this. I want to breathe. It is so dark. I want to open my eyes. There was a sharp pain somewhere inside my head as I used both me and my ancestors' strength to just peel my heavy eyelids open.
Like a match was ignited, I felt the burning sensation inside my brain. As if it was possible but it was literally the feeling I got. Like tiny fireworks exploding at the same time, making my brain tingle, not without pain but bearable. As the eyelids unwillingly parted, I felt like there was a thin film of water before my eyes. As if looking through the waterfall, the colors were mixed in swirl of mosaic with bright spots. It hurt, what happened to me? I remembered being in the car with Qui and Ran...and we were surrounded by Russians. Russians on Beijing soil, talk about uncanny turn of events.
I remembered running for my life and then...Oh right...I got shot. Wow must have saved entire village from flood or something in past life for me to still breathing after getting shot in the head. Maybe I am paralyzed now because seem like I definitely didn't lose any memories. I cannot feel my body. Well, better ask Qui to end my life if that is the case. Cannot imagine myself being a good natured person as a vegetable. Wait, is vegetable the right word? Are Qui and Ran doing ok? How about He Tian? That little bastard better not run the company into ground. How long was I out? Days? Months? God, please don't let it be years.
As the thoughts rampant inside my head, I could somewhat begin to make the images out of my vision. My cornea started to adjust to the lights and pretty soon, I could blink a little faster, it still took a ton of effort but at least, it didn't feel like lead anymore. The first thing that came into focus was brown oak wall with rectangle hole at the center. After a couple times batting the eyelashes, realized it was not a hole but a painting. I looked down at my body, well as much as I could because my neck wasn't moving. Oh, the reason I couldn't feel my lips was because of this tube. They shoved some kind of tubes down my throat and my mouth was unable to close with that bulky gag like thingy. Lord, the price to keep one's life on earth isn't cheap. I saw my body covered under the blanket right up to the chest. I hope I still have my limbs attached.
There were several cannulas on both of my arms attached to drip lines. As I continued to observe, I realized that there was a wheezing noise with a hiss of air coming out every time I breathed and some steady beeping coming from a monitor on the left of my head. It felt so uncomfortable, my chest, my lungs felt so full. When I tried to take a deep breath, I begun to aware of the fact that I wasn't breathing alone. I had a respiratory tube, attached to ventilator and pumping my lungs like inflatable balloons. They really did go to extreme to save my life. Well, at least good to know, my brother wasn't stupid enough to want me dead. Comforting.
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Fanfiction[MATURE CONTENT] (Ongoing) [VIOLENCE, FORCE, EXPLICIT] A Tale of He Tian and Mo in AU. He Tian, A Marfia Boss and Mo, A bartender/ deliquent. The story of how the two met, how the life goes on and how the life ends. It gonna be a long one! Do fol...
