RANT BOOK

new job and TEA :')

April 12, 2021

I'm sorry that this "rant book" has just turned into my book to talk about how much I love Montana boy but I CAN'T HELP IT BRUH I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY.

okay okay I'll actually start off with something OTHER than Montana boy. SO BASICALLY today I went to a "job interview" sort of thing but it was mostly just the lady taking me around the building and showing me about the job. ANYWAYS so I'm probably gonna be switching jobs :D so that's pretty swag. I have mixed feelings, but it's definitely gonna be good for me. I've been working at the same stupid pizza job for a year and a half and STILL make $7.75 an hour. LIKE??? yeah it's time for a change. I'm gonna be 18 soon and I just need to start saving more but it's SO HARD to do when my paychecks are around $130-150 every time :/ but this new job I'll be starting at $10.50 !!! like HELL YEAH that's so much better. BUT it is gonna be hard to get used to at first because I'll be working mornings and my shifts start at 6 a.m. YIKES. but i think it will be good for me, it will help me get on a better sleeping schedule hopefully, plus i wont be working EVERY day, only 2-4 days a week.

BUTTTT I'll also be working at the pizza job too for a few weeks so I'll be doing BOTH PLUS SCHOOL which is gonna be a LOT but I think I can make it work, It'll only be for a few weeks. PLUS i'll be making SOOO much money which is VERY needed. I'm excited and scared! this is definitely a step in the right direction tho, I'm excited to see where it takes me.

ANYWAYS I also might get to see montana boy either in May or June !! i think June is for sure, but I just want to plan something in may cuz i miss him lol. My family is having like a big reunion like June 4th-9th and they said he can probably come !! so i'm excited. I also wanna do May tho so I can actually go up to montana and see what it's like there and meet the rest of him family yk?! but idk yet, we'll see. ANYWAYS bro every day gets harder and harder like it just hurts SO BAD that I can't do anything LIKE my love languages are touch and quality time so THAT MAKES LONG DISTANCE SO HARD FOR ME and like woreds of affirmation is like one of me bottom ones LIKE I LOVE BEING TOLD but it's hard for me to TELL people how much I love them, like I'm just SO bad with words so when we facetime and he's all tellin me im pretty and he loves me IT'S SO WERID FOR ME TO ACCEPT IT or like say it back BUT I DO. I'm working on that, I think it's because I was raised like not really knowing that side of relationships. My parents NEVER show affection in front of us and never say they love us or each other, so it's just hard for me BUT I WISH IT WASN'T CUZ OMG BRUH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH like i've NEVER felt this way before and I jsut wish I could find the right words to tell him VOCALLY cuz that just makes it so much better but IT'S JUST HARD FOR ME AND I HATE IT.

Oh well. ALSO i've noticed a lot recently that I stress SO MUCH about our relationship for NO GOOD REASON bruh like he gives me so much reassurance and tells me everyday how much he loves me and all of that but for some reason my brain is CONVINCED that he doesn't actually love me LMAO like WHYYY a part of me KNOWS that he loves me but it's just so hard for myself to believe ?? like why bruh. that makes me so sad. I feel like it would just be so much easier if he lived closer but like obv we're only 17 so there's not much we can do about it UUHGFHASKJHD oh well it's okay. It just makes the time that we actually spend together mean SO much more but also makes it SO much harder when we have to leave. AHHHH okay anyways I just love him so much he makes me feel so much and it's amazing that meeting him brought SO much back into my life that I thought I would never have again. Like just genuine emotions in generally, it's amazing. HE'S amazing. I never want this to end, I don't think I could ever see myself with anyone but him. LIKE SERIOUSLY I know we're young but I SWEAR he's the one. He has to be, like there's NO WAY that he's not.

Oh well, anyways i have to get ready for work now SO IN CONCLUSION my life is looking up !! like in every aspect it's improving and I'm so excited, I really hope things work out !!

OH YEAH I have to write this cuz it makes me feel terrible and I can't believe I'm like this BUT ANYWAYS Y'all remember when I was talking to band boy? well MY ASS WAS SOOO DESPERATE FOR FUCKING $25 THAT I SOLD PICS WHILE WE WERE TALKING and he FOUND OUTTTT and he unadded me on snapchat and insta, on everything bruh SJFHSJDHF I feel so shitty bruh LIKE WHY WOULD I DO THAT actually there's a LOT of fucked up things i did and i just feel so fucking shitty bruh, like how i was also talking to Montana boy WHILE i was talking to band boy. Bruh i feel so bad, i was just unfaithful to him. Then again, we were never "exclusive" and it barely felt like we were talking cuz we RARELY saw each other and he BARELY texted me. It was barely even "talking "at that point. BUT I'm not trying to make excuses for what I did, I know it was def a fucked up thing to do and i would NEVER do that shit again bruh. I feel so terrible. AND IT'S ALSO BAD CUZ I WAS TALKING TO MONTANA TOO SO LIKE- fuck man. i might have to tell him about that, just so he doesn't find out later and get more mad. I just want him to be able to trust me BUT ALSO DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK I'LL DO IT AGAIN cuz i wouldn't. OH WELL I JUST FEEL REALLY SHITTY AND I JUST NEEDED TO GET THAT OUT THERE i feel terrible. I would never do that shit again.

OKAY ANYWAYS I'M GONNA BE LATE i'll keep *myself* updated since no one reads this and it's basically just a "journal" for me LOL okay bye

OKAY ONE LAST THING LMAO I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION BUT my best friend is talking to band boy now SO SKJDFNLKSJDHF THAT COULD BE A MESSY SITUATION LMAO especially now that I know that he knows what he knows LAMFKSDBLKS okay gotta go gonna be late bye