RANT BOOK

cant stop crying

4-30-21

I'm kinda not okay again.

:/ bruh i hate this. my mental health is declining again but this time i can actually feel emotions so all i do is cry constantly because of how stressed i am about my life. i have two jobs on top of school which i'm VERY BEHIND IN and i don't know if i'll be able to catch up, i'm so overwhelmed. and my new job is giving me so much stress i didn't expect, like the job isn't that hard but it's just a lot to remember and i'm gonna be ON MY OWN in a few days, literally the only person there plus the cook. i am not ready for that at all, it's so scary and i'm afraid i'm not gonna be able to do everything they need me to do right away. there's so many little things that are stressing me out and idk what to do, if it keeps giving me this much stress i'll probably need to quit :/ i need the money so bad but i can't keep crying over how much stress it's bringing me. Literally after my first day i cried and i don't know why, like it shouldn't be like this but idk what to do.

anyways i'm also upset because montana boy has been kinda weird the past two days :/ like normally he tells me every day that he loves me and misses me but he only said he missed me ONCE yesterday and he barely texted me :/ same with today, i don't know why bruh. i don't know what i did wrong, but i'm so scared that he's losing feelings. this is the best relationship i've ever had and i'm so scared to lose him. like i know this is probably just overthinking and he's just busy and shit but still :/

and i also haven't seen my best friend in 3 weeks and I ALWAYS have to ask her to hang, she never asks me so it never happens :/ i miss her bruh, i haven't seen anyone in weeks and i think it's really affecting me mentally. idk man, i'm just not doing very good anymore.

i also had a dream last night that my dad was dying and it fucked me up bruh it was the saddest thing and he went to work before i could go upstairs to see him so now i have to wait until i get home from work at 10 to see him and it's making me sad lol.

also i thought i was ready to quit my pizza job, but now i'm afraid because it's the only thing in my life that i can do 100% right rn. it's causing a lot of stress but also going there after feeling so stressed is really making things a little easier because i know that even though so much shit is happening i can still go there and do everything right. it's stupid, and they pay me shit, but it's my comfort place and idk wat to do cuz i know i need to leave but i feel like i need it right now, ugh.

idk what to do. i'll keep *myself* updated lol. hopefully things don't go to shit 🙂