RANT BOOK

Why don't my parents love me.

October 27, 2020

alright I got more shit to say. I've just been thinking and this popped into my head and now I want to rant about it cuz it kinda makes me sad.

Just to get straight to it- i haven't heard my parents tell me they love me in like.. well honestly i don't know the last time I ever heard my parents verbally say they love me. Like ever in my life. EVER. except ONE time last year when I was just struggling so so much and my mom said "we're here for you and love you" like yeah, bullshit! now she acts like none of that shit ever happened and that just because i'm doing better mentally that i don't still struggle once in a while AND THAT SHIT STILL HAPPENED. like I would miss WEEKS of school at a time just because I physically couldn't get myself out of bed and my mom KNEW i was depressed back then and then now she wants to pull some sort of "you were lazy" shit. like shut the hell up mom. don't act like i wasn't struggling, i talked to you MULTIPLE TIMES about that shit, you put me in therapy AND life coaching, but you wanna act like i was just lazy?? shut the FUCK up.

AND the whole love thing ruined me more than i thought. like not knowing what that love felt like as a child, hardly ever getting affection and never seeing my parents show affection to each other like RUINED me. I just wish i knew what genuine love felt like. and FUCK it HURTS when i talk about some shit going on with me and my parents and someone says "they're just looking out for you cuz they love you," but how the FUCK DO I KNOW THAT?? IF THEY REALLY DID THEN WHY WOULD THEY ONLY SAY IT ONCE IN MY FUCKING LIFE WHEN I'M AT MY LOWEST POINT AND STRUGGLING. like fuck, why would they raise all of us like this, not knowing what love from our parents feels like. FUCk (im finally crying thank you.) It just makes it so much harder to be a teenager lmao like wouldn't you wanna feel like "even if i mess up i know my parents will still love me." cuz i wonder what that's like. anything i do i swear disappoints my parents more and more and i hate it cuz i just wish i knew if they loved me. and maybe it wouldn't hurt so bad if they at least SHOWED me that they loved me once in a while, but seriously nothing. i hate this. i'm 17 and i can only remember one time in my entire life that my parents ever said they loved me. fuck them for that, i wish i knew what love felt like. FUCK,

that's enough ranting for now, i'm gonna go try and cry more cuz i got a lot of bottled up emotion to let out. goodnight

update: I cried! for like a good 10 minutes, it was good. okay goodnight MWAH