RANT BOOK

going to montana again

10/24/21

i'm going to montana next weekend to see ethan 😐

idk if this is the best idea but i just need to see him. i need to talk to him about everything and just get closure on the whole situation. plus i'm only going from saturday to monday, so it's not like i'm gonna be there forever.

idk what's gonna happen, but we're gonna talk about everything and finally decide if this is something to work towards or to just give up on, because this breakup has been messy and super back and forth and confusing, we just need to talk about everything so we can see where both of us are at right now.

idk what to expect bruh, i just really hope that everything works out because i just wanna be with him bruh. but it's also tiring putting so much into someone who can't give the same back, ya know? and if his feelings aren't the same then maybe i just gotta move on :/ but i just hope that we can work things out bruh. i'll be manifesting it 😃

anyways, life update besides that: on the 22nd i went to a haunted house with a few of my friends and it was VERY swag. it was a lot longer than i thought and very scary 😃 and then we got pizza after that and played ping pong at my friends house lol

and then the 23rd was the sadie hawkins dance (and ethan's bday😳) and the day date was way better than the actual dance lol. we got pictures around 3:30 and then got pumpkins and carved them and then went to chick-fil-a for dinner (which i didn't eat very much cuz it's hard for me in front of other people lol) and then we went to our friends house and watched a movie and then went to the dance and like halfway through i got really anxious cuz my friend said she had a stomach ache and that triggered my emetophobia so bad bruh, and she told me she wasn't sick and it was just her lyme disease but i still freaked out and had to go outside for a min, then i tried to come back in but i got SO ANXIOUS i had to leave and before i did my date was like "oh are you okay? where are you going" and i was just like "i need to go outside. do you wanna come with me?" and he came and sat outside with me for the last 15 minutes of the dance :( i feel so bad because he's a sophomore so it was his first sadies dance and he spent the end of it sitting outside just talking with me cuz i was anxious 😐 but i seriously appreciate him so much for that. like SO much.

and then after the dance everyone went to this girls house to hot tub but i was just gonna go home since my social battery had run out and i was just feeling really anxious, but we spent so much time JUST trying to find her house (she sent a wrong number in her address lol) that it calmed me down and i decided to stay but since it took us so long to find her house, everyone was leaving by the time we got there 😐 but some people came back after taking their dates home so it was okay lol.

also i don't think i've ever hung out with pick me girl in real life until yesterday lol. and like, i think she's nice and all but girl 😭 i could not.

like when we were in the white tub, she was like talking about how she has a list for all the guys who have "touched her boobies" but she wouldn't tell us any of them cuz she was embarrassed lol, and then after a while she was like "you guys are boring, let's play truth or dare" and then one of the guys there asked her and she said truth, and the question was "tell us who's on your list" and she was like "omg never mind i don't wanna play anymore." and THEN she decided that everyone in the hot tub had to say their kiss list ?? and they couldn't do anything else until they finished 😐

OMG and also she was talking about how her calves were bigger than my dates and she was like comparing leg sizes with him like "look mine are bigger" type beat, and then she went to go squat weights with him 😭 girl what.

ALSO when we went inside, my date took a video of her and she was like "omg don't" and then when he was done with the video she was like "let me see" like girl 😭 idk, not the most insane pick me girl but you just had to be there. it's just her PERSONALITY. and like she wasn't bad to hang out with i was just like ?? yo what.

anyways , that was my weekend lol. then today i've just been super anxious for no REASON like always 😀 i need to start taking my medicine, i'll do that tomorrow i think.

anyways that's all. ill keep updated on the ethan thing and just life in general lol