RANT BOOK

I wish I knew what love felt like

November 2, 2020

Well shit, idk what's goin on. first of all, election day tomorrow and i just KNOW some bad shit is gonna happen afterwards. i'm scared.

anyways, recently nothing exciting has been happening to me, i've just been like really behind in school and one of the only things on my mind is love. like just the whole concept of love and how much i wish i knew what it felt like, y'a know? i sound dumb as hell but like seriously idk man. it's like the only thing in this entire world that i desire. all i want is to know what it's like to be in love with someone FUCK IT HURTS SO BAD. i just wanna feel it so bad.

Same thing with my parents. i wish it didn't feel like a sin or a swear word to say "i love you" to them. like that's exactly what it feels like and i hate it. i just HATE NOT GROWING UP WITH LOVE IN THE FAMILY. ugh.

Also been low key thinking about stupid idaho boy (the first one, idk if i've talked about him yet but yeah) but i'm literally stuck because he lives like 2 hours away anyways so like if i wanted to get close and stuff, it would be so hard because all we could do is facetime and text. i HÂTE that cuz like, all my life i've never been one to really like physical touch like holding hands and kissing 24/7 or like cuddling but recently that's ALL I WANT. it's weird as hell but :(((. ANYWAYS, he was toxic to me also and we ended in bad terms so even if i wanted to text him, he probably still hates me cuz he's just that kind of person 😐 literally holds grudges forEVER bruh. but oh well, it's probably best to just stay away but UGH SOMETIMES J JUST REALLY WISH HE LIVED CLOSER AND HE WASNT SUCH AN ASS SO THAT THINGS HAD A CHANCE TO WORK. fuck.

Also band boy 🥵🥵 thinkin bout him lately but thats just another story lmao. i think it's weird that i have like a kind-of crush on him now when we like dated 2 years ago and i broke up with him for this other kid 😐😐

SPEAKING OF THAT OTHER KID. i don't really think i've talked much about him yet which is weird as hell cuz he's been like the BIGGEST impact in my life (good and bad.) but basically i was 15 and naive when i like totally fell for him and then he cheated on me like 5 times and then broke up with me for an 8th grader when he was in 10th :,) but honestly i never got closure so idk what happened besides that. ANYWAYS he kept being super on and off with me for a few months after that which made it like A MILLION times harder to get over him. and i still haven't dated anyone since then and i'm 17 now 😐😐

ANYWAYS boys suck and i hate relationships but i just want to feel love SO BAD i don't know what to do with myself LMAO.

okay i think that's all for today, thanks for listening 😎 MWAH