RANT BOOK

update 💔

08-13-21

we broke up.

my heart is shattered. i don't know what to do or feel, it's so painful. i miss him so much.

alright, here we go.

so, Ethan came down to Utah on the 8th and i drove halfway to rexburg to meet him and he drove the rest of the way, and while he was here we honestly had a good time. like we went to the hot springs with my friends, we went to fat cats, bowling, to the movies, we even fucked a few times 😐 but ya know, we were still having fun and shit. the whole reason he was here was to see if his feelings would come back yk but :/ they didn't. i'm so sad, because a part of me hoped that it was somehow getting better, even tho i could tell by the way that he looked at me that the love wasn't the same anymore :( he still held my hand and gave me affection like he knew i needed, he understands my love language so well. IT HURTS. i'm gonna miss him so much.

there was a night (the night we went to fat cats) where we went up to a lookout around like 9:30 just to hang out and we just laid in the back of the van and cuddled, he was sleepy so yk he fell asleep and i just cried, for like an hour straight because i knew that it could be the last time </3 and it was. he didn't say anything, he just held me, because he knew. it hurt so much. i can't even comprehend it right now.

but anyways, on the day that he left i had to drive him halfway again but this time i had to drive an extra like 25 minutes (which adds 50 to the total driving time) because that was a closer halfway point to meet his parents. we still ended up getting there like 10 minutes earlier than his parents, so when we parked, he just held my hand and i cried for like 5 minutes, not saying anything, and then i looked over at him and saw that he was crying too. we cried for like 5 more minutes and we just looked at each other for a while before he said "should we break up?" and my heart just kind of sank and i looked at him for a second just to comprehend it and i was like "do you think we should?" and he just said "it didn't come back." and i just looked away and started bawling. it took me a sec but then i looked back and him and all i could say was "okay."

then he hugged me, and i started crying even more and i just held onto him as tight as i could. i said a few things like "i'm gonna miss you" and "i love you" and "please tell your family how much i loved them and how i'm gonna miss them" and shit and UGH IT HURT SO BAD. both of his parents and his sister were THERE TOO and i didn't say goodbye. i regret it so much. i texted his sister and his mom after tho.

anyways, then when it was time to go we got out of the car and i walked over to his side and hugged him one last time. i held him so tight, it hurt so bad. and i could see myself in the car window and it was so sad. anyways after the hug, we said goodbye and i watched him drive away and it hurt so bad. i cried the whole 3 hours drive home 😐 but i called my mom right after if happened cuz i just needed to talk to someone but she didn't help. all she said was "i know you've got these feelings for him but he doesn't really have a lot going for him" like bruh that doesn't fucking matter. it never did. that was the last thing i needed to hear in the moment. so then i called my best friend but she was working, so i called my other friend cuz i didn't know who else to call and she just stayed on the phone with me for a while and that helped me.

but yeah, i'm so sad. maybe it's just a bad time for us right now, because we're young and the distance was just getting too hard. maybe one day in the future when we can actually do something about it, this will work out. idk, we'll see. it just hurts so bad because i won't see him again, or at least for a very long time.

but he also texted me when i got home just pretty much asking how i was doing and yeah :/ it was hard for both of us, but i think it was for the better.

i'm gonna miss him. he was my other half, he felt like home. so did his family, i'm gonna miss them so fucking much. hopefully this won't be the end forever because i don't think i'll ever find anyone that will fit me better than he did. i'll love him forever.