RANT BOOK

update: im in PAIN 😃

august 2, 2021

y'all 😀 been a minute and i have quite the update lol.

not preggo !! yayy but my period was 8 days late 😐 i was so fucking scared bruh. ALSO i'm kind of upset because i bought 2 tests and i was SO fucking nervous bruh, and i really needed ethan and so i asked if we could facetime and at first he said we could and then like 30 minutes later he was like "actually can i not?" and i was like 😀 oh okay and basically he said he didn't want to because he was "afraid of what he would say" ??? like bruh i might be PREGNANT i don't care about that shit bruh i just NEED YOU but okay. i told him it was okay but i always fucking do, no matter how upset i am bruh. AND THEN HE STARTED PLAYING HIS FUCKING GAME BRUH. i was so fuckinh upset, i cried so much but yeah the test was negative and i took one the next morning to make sure and they were both negative and then my period came two days later 😐 so yeah that's swag i guess.

but anyways, a week or so after the whole pregnancy thing i was just really upset one night because i sent him a tik tok as a joke that was like "dance if your boyfriend likes to facetime" and the girl just sat still and then that tik tok lead into the conversation where basically he told me he doesn't like to facetime because he gets "distracted" and they're always "too long" when they're literally 1-2 hours MAX. and we facetime once every OTHER FUCKING WEEK. AND WE LIVE 5 HOURS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. it's so fucking upsetting bruh. anyways, i was just really upset over that and some other shit cuz like i notice he just doesn't put effort in when i'm not there and he barely talks to me and doesn't facetime me or any of that shit and i was just really struggling so i texted him after he fell asleep and i was like "babe i thing i need to talk to you about some things" and then in the morning (he was on vacation in colorado so he was sleeping/waking up early) he texted me and told me to tell him but like in the morning i just couldn't form the shit into words like i wanted and i was like "i just don't know how to say it" and he was like "just say everything you feel and i'll piece it together" and basically i told him how upset i am that we don't facetime and shit and that he doesn't put effort in when i'm not there and i feel unimportant and shit and THEN he replied with "yeah i've been kind of struggling lately :/ i don't know why it's happening but my feelings have sort of changed in a way. i still love you but i don't know if i need a break for a few days or to talk more, either way i want us to get better." and bruh my heart SHATTERED 😀 his feelings changed ?? bruh it hurts so bad.

anyways i just replied with "when did this start happening?" and he was like "idk i just really started noticing it a week ago but it has nothing to do with the pregnancy thing. i think that maybe i'm missing something but i don't know what. i think i might need a few days of a break to think about it. i'm sorry." and yeah 😃 it took me like 20 seconds to fully process what happened and i started fucking BAWLING like crying OUT LOUD it was like the worst pain i've ever felt and it's literally just a BREAK bruh. i was just so sad because i expected the worst. but anyways, i physically could not handle being alone in my room and i didn't know who to call so i literally went to my PARENTS. i never do that bruh, they haven't seen me cry in YEARS. but anyways i basically just walked upstairs and i stood in their doorway for a sec and just started crying so they told me to sit down and tel then what's going on and so i told them everything and honestly it was so comforting because they didn't get mad or try to give me any advice or like anything, they just listened and it really helped.

but yeah, i was supposed to work like 15 minutes after this happened and i literally could not so i texted my supervisor and i was like "idk if i'll make it in tonight, if i do i'll be really late" and yeah. basically after that i just went on a drive and BAWLED and then i met up with my friend melanie to talk about it and that helped, then i decided to go home and go to work and i cried while getting ready and i cried SO MUCH on the way there, and then when i got there my supervisor told me they weren't busy and that i could go home and then i cried SO MUCH on the way home lol.

so pretty much the next few hours i couldn't stop crying 😃 and i feel like i probably was overreacting a bit because i know it was just a break for a few days but like it hurt so much. i already have really bad separation anxiety and the thought of not being able to talk to him for days just made me so so upset, and also it literally felt like my would left my body bruh, like the better half of me went missing. it was so fucking painful bruh. BUT THEN around like 8:30 this mf texted me and was like "i think i figured something out" and i was like 😃 bruh it's only been 4 hours. but basically he said that he doesn't "see me enough" 😐 and that we stopped being "sexual" (like sexting cuz in person we're VERY sexual) and that he doesn't get enough attention???? which at first i was like bruh wtf are you talking about, you literally text me like once every hour and i leave you in delivered 15 minutes MAX, most the time its 1-3 minutes before i reply 😐 but anyways, he said that he doesn't see my face enough like i don't show him in pics (but that's what facetime is for.. but okay) and then the sexual thing yeahhhh idk i just don't love sexting very much lol especially cuz i'm insecure but yeah, something we worked on lol. and then he said he didn't get enough attention like he feels like i don't want him and i never ask to see his face and blah blah and like i genuinely feel bad because bruh he's so perfect, like in every way (except the facetime thing and no effort lol) but i've just ALWAYS had a hard time expressing my feelings, like how much i love people and shit. it's so hard for me no matter HOW MUCH i love them and i hate it. but i've really been trying to fix it. ANYWAYS basically we had a whole conversation on the things that both of us would do to fix it and things were better :) we literally sexted like 3 nights in a row after that lol but it was swag, and i also have been showing my face more and literally he is SO attractive and i do not hesitate to tell him bruh, that mf is SO fine.

ANYWAYS so i literally just put my all into making things better and like i just wasn't getting that effort out of him like i needed, the even tho we "fixed things" i just didn't feel like he really felt the same anymore and it was hurting me so much bruh so then i told him that i feel like he doesn't love me the same anymore and he was like "idk, i still love you but idk if it's the same. idk why this is happening" and bruh it hurts so bad to hear it, like i'm absolutely in love with him bruh i never what anyone else and it hurts me SO MUCH to know that he doesn't feel the same anymore, like that his feelings "changed." bruh hurts so BAD. but he told me that he thinks he's depressed and that's why he's been so off lately :// i feel bad bruh because i just feel selfish for feeling the way i do cuz like if he's depressed then i know how tiring it can be trying to love someone when you can barely help yourself yk. it's so hard but like i care about him so much and i just want the best for him and so i just kinda have to wait it out until he gets better, hopefully things will go back to normal after that but yeah basically that's where i'm at now😃 it's so painful bruh, but idk. it will get better.

anyways that's pretty much it for my update. super fun !!