RANT BOOK

sadness, Idaho boys, and crazy shit I've done

October 28, 2020

Feeling kind of lost and frustrated LOL cuz it's like, I'm not doing the best mentally but at the same time i'm doing really good compared to how i've been. it's just confusing as hell and UGH IDK WHAT TO DO. This is also frustrating because i've really been struggling with my online school because ever since I got depression, I've really struggled with motivation to do anything. Like literally anything. That's why I cancel plans with people a lot of the time or I just never follow through with them and I always feel so BAD FUCK. but anyways, my parents just don't understand how hard it is for me and they are SO close minded and barely even try to listen to what I have to say. They just automatically think that i'm "lazy" and just "don't care" but I FUCKING DO I JUST CAN'T BRING MYSELF TO DO IT. It's so frustrating.

Also been thinking a lot recently about how I don't really know what genuine love feels like. LIke, my parent's don't show/tell me they love me and I've never been in a genuine relationship where the love isn't just one sided, ever. My last relationship was when I was 15 like how much can you really love a person in 10th grade :/ It just makes me sad because like.. i'm 17 now and i'm ready (kind of) for a genuine relationship and I want to know what love really feels like. obviously I'm not like gonna fucking marry the dude right now but like.. is it so much to ask for? someone who just genuinely loves me for me? idk man.. it just kinda HURTS that anytime I talk to someone, it never lasts longer than 2 months so like i can never know what love is gonna feel like. but IDK WHAT I CAN DO TO CHANGE THAT PEOPLES MINDSETS ABOUT LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS ARE JUST FUCKED NOWADAYS AND IT SUCKS.

idk man i'm just rambling about dumb shit at this point but i guess that's kind of the point of this rant book lmao. ALSO THO i kinda have like a big fat CRUSH on my Idaho friend and we play among us together like every day and we call each other bae (as a joke lmao) but he lives like 6 hours away so the chances of ever meeting him are low low low :(((( but like our personalities like match PERFECTLY and AHHHHH man i just think he's great :( but i meannn i'm also still thinking about that guitar boy from my friend's band.. but he's just attractive as hell LMAO and he's funny too but he's not like, idk, the relationship kinda person if ya know what i mean. BUT THAT'S OKAY CUZ I'M LITERALLY BOY CRAZY LMAO. I love that i just ranted about how I don't know what real love feels like and that people's mindsets about relationships are fucked but then i'm all like "IDAHO BOY. BAND BOY. I <3 BOYS" like bitch make up your mind LMAO.

speaking of Idaho boy... LMAO LET ME TELL Y'ALL A STORY ABOUT ONE. I'm not sure if i've ever mentioned THIS Idaho boy before but basically I met this bitch over snapchat and one day I decided I wanted to meet him LMAO so me and my friends fucking DROVE AN HOUR AND A HALF TO MEET HIM and i spent the night at his house and came home with and ENTIRE NECK FULL OF HICKEYS LMAO IT WAS SO BAD but we talked for probably like 2 months and then he ended up being really toxic and couldn't even go one fucking day without yelling at me for some dumb shit and i HATED IT but yeah. I still think about him sometimes cuz like IDK man it was a complicated situation but like when we spent time together in person it was just so much easier than ya know, always snapchatting lmao. IDK MAN I MISS HIM BUT HE'S TOXIC AND I CAN'T DO THAT TO MYSELF AGAIN IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME FUCK.

ya know sometimes I think my life really isn't that interesting but like when I sit here and write about all this shit that's going on/what i've done i'm like ... girl wtf ?? LIKE I DROVE TO IDAHO TO MEET SOMEONE I MET OVER SNAPCHAT, I HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE A WEEK AFTER MEETING THEM, I WENT SKINNY DIPPING LIKE 5 TIMES DURING THE SUMMER (not the craziest but still), I GAVE MYSELF TWO STICK AND POKES WHILE I WAS HIGH AS FUCK, I KISSED 7 PEOPLE IN ONE FUCKING NIGHT BRUH, I SNEAK OUT ALL THE MF TIME TO DO DUMB SHIT LIKE GO TO A COLLEGE CAMPUS OR YA KNOW, GO SKINNY DIPPING. LIKE FUCK MAN what is my problem LMAO plus I always have some sort of boy drama and like some sort of trauma LMAO BYE- idk man. maybe i'm just dumb as hell and like this is shit that a lot of people would do LMAO but yeah anyways I think that's all I have for today. Not the most interesting but it is what it is LOL.

I'LL KEEP Y'ALL UPDATED ON MY BOY DRAMA OKAY GOODNIGHT. MWAH

oh yeah i also pierced my own ears today LMAO okay i'm done GOODNIGHT-

OKAY OKAY ONE MORE THING TO ADD TO MY BOY DRAMA. Yesterday I met a boy over snapchat and we facetimed LMAO and he's freaky as HELL BRUH like he wants to fuck so bad LMAO at least he lives an hour and a half away AHAHAH cuz there's no way i'm giving up that easily again PFFFFT but like this mf all talking bout meeting up and doing it in a park like WHAT?? IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY?? god no. EXCUSE ME SIR BUT god no. LMAO OKAY IM DONE FOR REAL THIS TIME GOOD FUCKIN NIGHT.