RANT BOOK

Why does it hurt so bad to miss something I've never had?

November 3, 2020

So I decided to write a song to my mom and dad but not for them to actually listen to lmao but basically while I was writing it, i said "Why does it hurt so bad to miss something I've never had?" and bruh it just kinda fuckin HURTS thinking about it. The song is basically about how through all my life, it took them 16 years just to tell me they love me. 16 GOD DAMN YEARS. and how it's never "I'm proud of you for trying" it's always "It's not good enough. do better." when i'm just doing the best I can. and like me "missing something i've never had" is basically a relationship with my parents lol and love in my family. shit hurts bruh, i'll never get to feel that, like ever. SORRY LOL I feel like this is all I ever fucking talk about in this stupid book but BRUH It's just the main thing affecting me lately.

It's just love in general. it all comes back to my parents, but it also includes relationships too. I feel like no one wants me for me cuz idk, i don't know what it is about me that drives people away so quickly, but i'm just sick of being used. I just wanna be appreciated :/ FUCK I HATE IT HERE. I wanna cry so god damn bad bruh but I don't got it in me. THIS SHIT SUCKS.

Whenever I write in this book I sound like a sad ass bitch who complains too much but honestly in person like when I'm with my friends, I feel happy and like I can be energetic and fun and outgoing but like deep down bruh i'm just not doing very good. like I'm happy but also sad at the same time. Weird shit. I'm also insanely bad at expressing my feelings and VERY good at keeping it to myself. I feel like it's because my parents shut me down or yell at me when I tell them my feelings, so I never want to tell them anyways. And it's also because the therapist I had for like 2-3 years NEVER helped me. our conversations were always about like school and friends and stuff and like, not about how i was doing mentally and all that. So like I always kept shit bottled up cuz I never knew how to bring it up when all he asked me was about how i was doing in school and how im doing with friends when those weren't even the problem back then. ALSO another thing is that any time I tried to open up to anyone (like my friends) it was just hard because all they would say is "I'm sorry" and give me that sympathetic look that everyone gives you when you tell them how you really feel. that shit is annoying as hell bruh, like if you don't have any GOOD advice to give, just sit and listen, I really don't need shitty sympathy.

Sorry sorry I get that for some people it's uncomfortable when people talk about their problems so "I'm sorry" is all they can say, I GET IT CUZ I WAS THAT PERSON ONCE TOO. but bruh idk, that's just why I keep shit bottled up. I feel like that's also why I started to write in my journals, cuz I never had anyone to talk to about shit so I just wrote it all down for myself. bruh I have 5 FULL journals :l I used to write like every day bruh, I wish I could still do that.

ANYWAYS that's all I have to say, I'll probably be back in like 2 days again to vent about not being able to feel love or about how boys are dumb LMAO im sorry. goodnight