RANT BOOK

I hate teenage boys.

October 27, 2020

FUCK I'm kinda sad but like mostly frustrated because I can't even be sad. Like since I've been doing life coaching for almost a year now, It's given me a mindset that won't take pity. Like I hate pity from other people and It's like impossible for me to pity myself. Like fuck man sometimes i just really wanna be sad for a minute and cry it out but I can't cuz my mindset is all "you've been through this before and you can do it again. you're stronger than you were before. This isn't something you need to be sad over, you can push past this." like bitch shut the fuck up and let me be SAD. FUCK.

Anyone reading this probably thinks i'm weird as hell and is probs just like "bruh it's not that hard to just feel sad about something" BUT IT IS FOR ME AND I HATE IT. I also have to like expect the worst before it happens just so it doesn't hurt as bad when it actually happens. idk if that made any sense at all but whatever. I'm just frustrated because I really want to cry over like my mom being a bitch about school and not understanding me cuz she wont listen ANDDDD I wanna cry because FUCK like i've been through HELL trying to get my emotions/feelings back and as soon as i finally do and catch GENUINE feelings for someone, it doesn't even last two months before it's "I don't wanna be tied down right now and I'm not really looking for a relationship." like FUCK then why did you tell me you liked me and why did you look at me the way you did and why did you DO THAT SHIT if you just wanted to fuck. LIKE UGH. I was just hoping that idk, maybe I could finally be in a relationship after TWO FUCKING YEARS but like FUCK this is just so frustrating I just want to meet someone who genuinely likes me and doesn't just wanna fuck ya know.

I also think that's where I messed up cuz I literally had sex with this this dude like a week after meeting him AND I DON'T KNOW WHY. IT WAS LITERALLY MY SECOND TIME HAVING SEX EVER. i think it's just cuz ever since my virginity was taken by a mf who couldn't even say "is this okay?", sex just hasn't seemed special to me. I HATE IT. now that i'm on the subject i kinda wanna rant ab that mf.

WHO THE FUCK STICKS THEIR PENIS IN A GIRL WITHOUT EVEN ASKING IF IT'S OKAY?? ESPECIALLY WHEN HE FUCKING KNOWS SHE'S A VIRGIN. Fuck him. like seriously fuck him for ruining my perception of sex. like i don't know if it's ever going to be special for me because a stupid mf took me to a lake to go night swimming and stuck his fucking dick in my vagina without EVER asking if it was okay. but then it's all "well you didn't say no" yeah shut the fuck up I was scared to say shit cuz like I WAS LOSING MY VIRGINITY AND A LOT WAS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD AND FUCK I WAS JUST SCARED I'M SORRY. then i talk to this mf about how he made me feel used and idk if i was ready for that shit and he APOLOGIZED LIKE A CRAZY MF saying "I had no idea i never meant to make you feel that way i'm so so sorry," so like how tf am i supposed to be mad at him when he sends me PARAGRAPHS telling me how sorry he is and how he didn't mean to make me feel that way. like fuck do teenage boys even THINK about shit?? bruh idk. annoys the hell outta me cuz like what am i even supposed to do about the situation?? idk, move on i guess.

But ya know, despite all the shit that's happened these past few months, i am BEYOND grateful to have my feelings back- for the most part. still can hardly feel sadness which is FRUSTRATING AS HELL but i'll learn to live. like after months and MONTHS of numbness i FINALLY can feel happiness again and FUCK it's great. like seriously, life couldn't be better (well, mentally.) So like I try to stay positive for the most part but sometimes I just gotta rant about shit for a min to help me get over it. but i will never forget this shit man LMAO. anyways I think that's all I gotta say for now.

This makes me laugh cuz literally no one reads this LMAO but I pretend like people do, but I guess that's okay. Do what ya gotta do to cope I guess. WELL ANYWAYS, to my imaginary readers, thanks for reading HAHA. mwah.

edit not even two minutes later:

FUCK i really want to cry. WHY CAN'T I JUST FUCKING CRY. like sometimes i literally cry over the DUMBEST shit (like when my kittens were sick and needed a vet but all the vets i called couldn't get them in for a few days, I fucking CRIED for like a minute but still bruh why do i cry over stupid shit like that but when i have genuine built up emotion that needs to be realeased, I can't feel shit and i can't fucking cry. WHY WHY WHY. i hate it here </3. okay that's all. I'll keep y'all imaginary readers updated LOL goodnight.

yo maybe if i listen to sad music.. okay okay i'm going. GOODNIGHT.