RANT BOOK

were taking a break... again

10/02/21

i decided to take a break from ethan. and bruh i'm we always be on and off with it, but this time I initiated it which mean i have more of the control.

okay so basically here's what happened

i was up all night cuz i couldn't stop thinking about the stupid fucking kiss and the fact he made me make a promise just to break it, and just how i've let him walk all over me and shit.

like ever since the break up, i've only done things for HIS benefit. and HE only did this for his own benefit, he never thought about me or what i needed. he took me for granted. i did SO MUCH, i gave him SO MUCH, i was patient, i was understanding, i forgave him. and i understand that he's going through so much right now, but that's no excuse to treat me the way he did. and he hurt me, and was aware of it, but continued to do it anyways. idk, i was just really upset about it so i confronted him

and honestly some of the shit i said when i was angry was a little out of pocket, like i told him he would "never find someone who's gonna love him like i did, care as much as i did, or put in as much effort as i did." type shit and the mf responded with "that's kinda toxic ngl, but it's true." like bruh i'm sorry i'm just fucking upset and i'm letting my feelings out the best i can. i know it was uncalled for, but i'm NOT toxic. i'm just upset, and i'm never normally like this and i apologized for it after because i knew i could have handled it better.

but i'm just upset that he would give up a connection like this just because things are hard. like i was giving him SO MUCH, and not even asking for much. i just don't understand, but it's okay because i told him i need a break to myself for a few weeks and a REAL one this time. it's just too much bruh, i can't handle it anymore.

and ofc i care about him and i want to be there for him, but i need to think about myself for once. we can revisit this in the future when things are sorted out.

ANYWAYS even tho this is the right thing to do, it hurts so fucking bad. and i think the reason it hurts so much is because the break up is finally hitting me, and finally setting in because the last two months i never fully lost him, but like this is a genuine thing bruh. i lost him and it hurts a lot.

and i know i didn't lose him forever but yk bruh, it's still hard. i cried in my car while we finished the argument, then i called my friend and asked if i could come over for a minute but she wasn't home at the time but when she got home she was too tired :/ and like obv i don't wanna keep her up and shit but i just really needed someone. i just needed a hug, and she couldn't even do that for me.

but it's okay, it happens.

anyways, i drove into town anyways and just sat at a park and cried for like a good 30-45 minutes, then my friend adam called and i talked to him about it for a little and then i was feeling a little better, and then my "crush" from the true bee thing offered to come hang with me and give me a hug and i was like "you don't have to but if you did i would appreciate that" and he came bruh :') he gave me a hug and then we just hung out for like 3 hours and talked and it actually helped a lot. we like just click really well and i can't explain it, but it just really worked to make me feel better. i'm glad he was there when i needed him :)

we didn't kiss or anything like that but just talking and hanging out was good bruh. IDK I WANNA HANG WITH HIM MORE

anyways that's all the drama. it's been a crazy day and i'm gonna try to sleep for once lol.

i'll keep updated about the crush and the ethan situation lol