Why So Lonely? || Minsung 1/3 ✔️

118

"It's so repetitive," I whisper, staring at the palm of my hand that was slightly trembling.

"What is?" Changbin questions, glancing over at me.

We had changed positions, both of us lying on our backs and staring up at the ceiling. Chan left for work. It was getting dark; the sun beginning to set and turn the sky orange.

"The situation. The feelings. It happens so often. I recognize the emotions. I recognize the issue. I feel like a computer going over the same data, trying to see what's changed. It's almost numbing, Changbin." There was fire in my voice, but more pain than anything. "It's a cycle. And it's so tiring. Like I told Minho, I feel stuck. It's not going anywhere. It's not getting worse. It's not getting better. Every time I think we're past this, it happens again. That's why I'm not trying to confront him. To talk to him. Because I can't trust him. It's going to happen again. I know it will. So why push for something to happen when it's inevitable?"

"Jisung, you're one of the strongest people I know. We've gone through this before. Through this talk. It's different now, of course, but I know what you mean. It is repetitive. You're right. I can't say he won't go back to her because it's happened a lot, but sometimes, you have to give it your all despite it having a good chance of happening again. I know it hurts a lot. I know it does. I see it on your face. I hear it in your voice. And you have every right to not want to have anything to do with him, but I know you miss him."

Is it really that obvious?

"Siblings can never be replaced. Especially if you were close. I remember how you guys were before everything. You were happy. -Ish, I should say. And he took that from you. But you miss him. You want to give in. You want to have that bond again. But you're afraid."

"You're crazy."

"You know I'm right. You're afraid because he's hurt you so much. He broke your trust, and he probably won't ever be able to get it back."

"Where is this going, Bin?"

I knew where it was going. I just needed to hear him say it.

"You left that dinner because he's still breaking you. You need to understand that you need time. Even if you want to fix it right now. You want get it over with. You need time even though it's been years. You haven't healed because he keeps reopening the wound every time he comes back."

We stay silent after that. I knew he was right. I needed time, but I didn't want to wait anymore. I wanted to push it along, get to the utter disappointment already.

"What do I do?"

He sighs, looking at me. His eyes were brown and tired, almost like mine. "You let us take care of you. Chan, me, Minho, the guys. We try to do it, but you refuse most of the time. We want to help. We hate seeing you like this. You are our everything; our glue, our friend, our family. You need time, and you can't force yourself to try to fix everything at once. Take it slow. You keep trying to move too fast. Remember when you did that? You tried forgiving too easily, forgetting too fast, trying to bond something that wasn't ready. You-"

"That time was my fault."

"What?" He sits up. "Jisung, none of this is your fault."

"How isn't it?"

"He left. Not you. You stayed strong. You've kept yourself above water. This is entirely his fault. Not yours. Not your parents. Only his. I don't want to hear that from you again. You had nothing to do with it. All I was saying was that you were broken and you wanted to fix it. You wanted so hard to find happiness again, but you pushed yourself too hard. Sometimes you need to let things happen instead of forcing them to move."

I understood what he was saying, but I wasn't sure if I thought it was true. It probably was. I did try to forgive him too easily. I tried letting him in my life again, only for him to leave a third time. That one hurt a lot.

I shouldn't expect so much out of him.