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by CarmenKB

by CarmenKB

I make it home, quietly opening and closing the door. Heetuk's car wasn't in the driveway. I walk into the living room, seeing my mom there.

"Hey, mom. I'm home."

She looks over with a smile, but it quickly drops and she sits up. "Baby, what happened? Why is your face so puffy?"

"Nothing, it's fine. I'm going to bed. Night," I wave, not giving her a chance to question more.

I lay in my bed, holding my pillow to my chest. The moon shines inside my room, helping me make out objects around my room. My fingers unconsciously pick at the material, circling around the seam.

My jaw clenches, memories jabbing at my brain. It's like my mind wanted me to give up. And I sure was ready.

This shit isn't fun. At all. I don't even understand how I'm alive. I'm surprised I haven't had a fucking heart attack yet. The amount of stress I've taken on is too much. I can't breathe.

I really thought I was getting better when Minho came all the way into my life. The moments we had were just months prior. I wish I could go back. Relive them.

"Oh, fuck..." I cry out, tears sliding down the side of my face and dripping off of my nose. I wish I could go back. So much.

My hands squeeze the pillow until they're numb. But I don't pay mind to it.

I didn't want to be here anymore. I had been so happy. Why did it have to come to an end? I was trying so hard. All that work for nothing.

Hubby 🥰

you have no idea
how much i wish
i could go back and
relive all those
moments with you.
i'm trying so hard
to be happy. i am.
i really am. please
believe me.
ever since he came back
i know i've been
different.
i don't know what
to do minho. one
minute i have no care
in the world, but the
next is like i'm in a
deep, dark hole with
no way to get out.
you make me happy.
i don't know what's
wrong with me.
i just want to be
okay. i know you
guys are trying to help
and take care of
me and i'm sorry to
say, but it's not working.
i'm so fucking sad.
i want everything
to end.
i'm so tired
i wish school
would end soon.
but i feel like
i'd never get out of
bed if it did.
i dojt know what
to do min. i'm
so stuck.
i'm so fucking
stuck. i just want
to be held and kissed
and know everything
would be okay.
but how is it supposed to
be okay when i can't
even look at my
brother in the eyes?
i love him so much
but the pain of it all
is so unbearable.
it feels like i'm in hell,
continuously getting
burned and cut and hit
and punched and everything
painful.
all the time.
i don't know.
i'm truly sorry to have brought
this stress to your life.
it's not fair of me.
i know you have things
going on too. and i'm
always here for you.
always.
don't think that i won't
be there. i don't care what's
going on, i'll be right
by your side.
anyway
i love you a lot.
you make me happy.
don't think you don't.
goodnight. sleep well.
i'll see you tomorrow.
bye
sent 2:39am

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•I was like- I don't have to update this today because it's Saturday. WRONG. My days are all mixed up :,) my brain is fucked•