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by CarmenKB

by CarmenKB

When I get home, I don't let either of the boys walk me to the door. I thank them, obviously, and apologize, as well. They went out of their way to come help my parents for me when they seriously didn't have to. I wish I could give back to them instead of cause more problems.

I open the front door, immediately settling into the tense atmosphere. Quietly shutting the door, I try to listen for voices.

"Jisung? Is that you?" Mom races in from the living room, sighing out of relief. She comes over to hug me, letting go once my dad came in.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

I bite my tongue, turning away to try and escape to my room. Instead, he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"Where do you think you're going? Come here, now."

Don't fucking touch me, I wanted to say, but my words were caught in the back of my throat. I was already on the verge of tears.

He drags me to the living room, letting me go finally. "Sit down. We need to talk about your damn outbursts and all of your leaving. Why do you think it's okay for you to leave and not tell us?"

I physically couldn't speak. If I did, it would come out a blubbering mess. I shrugged.

"Han Jisung, don't test me. Why did you leave? We're trying to understand what's going on with you, but all you do is leave. You're turning into Heetuk."

Bang.

You're not trying to understand at all! You don't understand anything we try to tell you, that's why we don't talk to you! You always tell us to shut up or invalidate our feelings. You always ignore what we say and tell us how we're supposed to feel. I'm hurt, okay? I'm hurt. We all are. I needed time to myself or else I would've punched Heetuk in the face right then and there.

Just say it.

"Wow," I laugh.

That's... that's a good one. You are so unbelievable. I'm like Heetuk? Are you serious? Heetuk is the way he is because of you! You both have anger issues and you both victimize yourselves.

Tell them.

"Wow what?"

The smile drops from my face. Tears trail down my heated cheeks. What the fuck was I supposed to say?

"I'm like Heetuk?"

"Yes. You're always taking off-"

"And betraying my family? Yes, cause I did that. Oh, and I left my family for some bitch who treated me like garbage? Totally did that too. Stole from my family because I don't know how to get a job? Of course! Got in trouble with the police? Great, that too! Lied to my family about my entire life? For sure! Lost my entire family's trust? Put it on the goddamn list!" I screamed, breathing out heavily. "I am trying my best to deal with this shit just like you two. Except I have friends who are actually trying to understand and help. I have a boyfriend who is there for me every minute you two aren't, which is always. I am hurting the same way you guys are, so I'm sorry if I leave for a bit because if I didn't, I would disown my own brother. I'll be sure to send a message or call in the midst of my breakdown."

"Well maybe you if actually talked to us, but no, you hate us, don't you?" He tries again.

"Stop doing that! Stop trying to guilt trip me. I love you both, but you guys don't listen. You interrupt and ignore everything I say. I need someone who actually listens."

"You didn't like therapy."

"I did! I did like it! I loved it! Every session, I could feel weight come off of my shoulders. You guys took me out of it because of Heetuk. You guys didn't give a shit about me, and it seems you still don't. So don't try saying I didn't like it. I told you guys I did. I begged you guys for it even before Heetuk had left, but you never cared enough to help me."