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by CarmenKB

by CarmenKB

As soon as I wake, my body feels heavy. My breathing is quick, but my breaths are long. I turn on my side, breathing through my nose.

"Nightmare?" A hand in set on my shoulder.

I nod, forcing my eyes open. I can't sleep any longer. I can't. I'm so scared. That nightmare was bad. Worse than the ones I've been having recently. It was full of fear and anxiety, but caused by my mom and Heetuk. They both killed my dad by using... a demon. Moose skull head and black cloaked monster. And then they were coming for me next.

I had an urge to cry, but I couldn't catch my breath in order to. Suddenly, a sharp, forced breath plummets through me. Hiccups. Of course. Caused by my stress.

"Are you okay?"

I look over my shoulder. Changbin looks at me with an intense worry in his eyes. Chan had work. I couldn't stop him from going, and I didn't want to. They shouldn't have to drop everything for me. I hiccup.

I turn over, facing him completely. I dive into his chest, curling my body to fit into his. I was trembling. I could feel it. The vibrations weren't much, but they were there. I hiccup.

"No."

I hiccup again. It was painful. I wanted to vomit. My eyelids droop, but I force them open. Changbin's arms are around me now, holding me tightly.

"I'm so scared, Bin," I whisper, emotions controlling me. "I don't want to sleep anymore. I feel like I'm going to be sick. It hurts."

"Do you need a trashcan?"

"No, just stay with me."

As soon as I said that, my stomach churned. I forced the sickness away, thinking about something else.

I was suffering. Why was there so much pain in the world? Why did it feel like I was being punched over and over again? Everything hurt. I couldn't bare it. It was too much for me to hold, yet I couldn't let it go.

"Are you hungry?"

My fist grasps his shirt tightly, trembling at the strength. You can never hold it together. You are always crying. You are always suffering. Why are you here? Just to be the world's bitch? You win.

"I-I need to go."

I sit up, staring out into Chan's bedroom. He was always so clean. His LED lights weren't on, but they were pretty. He always knew how to fit the aesthetic, even if he wore all black.

"What? Where?"

"I don't know. I just- I need to go."

I scramble out of the bed, speed walking down the hallway. Changbin is right behind me, trying to get me to stop.

"Jisung, at least tell me where you're going. It's night time. I don't want you to get lost or hurt."

"I already am lost and hurt, Changbin!" I scream, stopping in my tracks. I breathe heavily, my breaths loud and shaky. "I'll never find my way out. I'll never stop getting hurt. It's a fucking cycle! I told you that! It's a cycle! It's better if I leave now. It's going to end the same fucking way! Except I'll be far away from here!"

As I step forward, he wraps his arms around me, holding me tightly. I shout and struggle to get loose. I'm stomping my feet and pushing my arms to be free.

"Stop it!" He yells. "I'm not letting you do this to yourself. You've been through so much and I am so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Jisung. But you are strong. Don't let those thoughts take you away. You have more people that care about you than people who are just here to hurt you. Think about that. Me, Chan, Minho, your mom. Our friends. Your family. We will always be here for you. So please, don't leave us. Not like this. Please. You told me to stay with you. I am. So, for fucks sake, stay with me," his voice cracks at the end and I can hear his tears begin to fall.

I fall limp in his arms. You could only hear the sounds of our sobs. We cry for so long.