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by CarmenKB

by CarmenKB

I stomp up to my room, locking the door behind me. I'd left them speechless. Good. I wanted them to feel my pain, to not be able to say anything. I've been holding that in for years. Years. I'd love to say that it felt good, but it didn't. It was sickening. It gave me an uneasy feeling. I wanted to breathe, but I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried.

Was I ever going to be okay? Was my family ever going to be okay? Why could it never be enough for me? I try my best to be happy and okay. I try to understand and let go. What the fuck is wrong with me?

My phone rings with Minho's twinkling ringtone. Fucking hell. I grab my phone out of my pocket, clicking the answer button.

"Hey, Changbin said they found you. Are you alright?"

What was I supposed to say? I didn't want to talk, yet I loved hearing his voice. I didn't want to see him, but I wanted him to hold me. My social bubble had already popped. I have a headache.

I hang up the phone, going to our messages instead. He tries calling back, but I hang up.

____

Hubby 🥰

i don't want to
talk on the phone,
i'm too tired.
my dad said i was
turning into
heetuk.
so i yelled at
him.
i told him
how i was getting
help from you
guys and that i couldn't
talk to them because
they never listen and i
need soemone who does
and he said i didn't like
therapy, when in
reality,
i did.
it helped.
but they didn't care.
they didn't care at all.
that's why they pulled me
from it. and changbin
had helped me realize
that i need to go back
because it's too much
and i need help from
someone that's an
outside force.
and now, i'm in my bedroom,
contemplating everything.
i'm probably in the most
trouble i've ever been in.
but i don't really care.
i'm so sick of everything.
not everything, just family.
i'm so tired. i feel like
i cant breathe. i've never
been able to breathe well.
not in this household.
and i'm so sorry for
always dumping things on
you and the boys.
im always causing so many
issues and it's all bleh
so thank you for listening
and you totally don't
have to say anything.
i just needed to let you
know what happened.
because i'm trying
to let you in and be
better. i really am.

fucking hell.
i love you so much.
thank you for telling
me. i'm so sorry that
you're in so much pain.
you don't deserve that at
all. and i seriously mean it.
you're such a good person.
you're trying your best and
all seven of us can see that.
i'm so proud that you stood
up to your parents. i'm so proud
that you realized that you
want to get help, and i really
hope your parents will
see that too. it's clear that
therapy could help you.
but i want to let you know
that you are NOTHING like
heetuk. everyone can stand
behind me when i say that.
you are always so thoughtful
and selfless. you love your
family and friends. you never
try hurting us. and you're
handling everything so well.
you're doing so good baby.
you are nothing like him.
you got that?

yeah

good. now go to sleep.
do you want me to
pick you up tomorrow?
we can grab some food
before school. maybe go
on a date afterward.

i don't know.
i probably won't
be able to.
and i kind of want
to be alone.
but can we call and you
just... talk to me until
i fall asleep? like
last time.
it's okay if you don't
want to.

_____

Incoming Call: Hubby 🥰
Answer | Decline

"Hey."

"Are you in bed yet?"

"I'm sitting on my floor."

"Get up and get into your pajamas. Get super comfy," he directs. I listen, standing up and stripping from my jeans and hoodie.

"Okay."

I climb into my bed, laying the covers over my torso. If only he were here. A lump in my throat grew as he began to speak.

"I love you so much. You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I remember when I first saw you. I remember thinking, 'holy shit, is this guy real?' And you sat next to me. You sat next to me, and I just wanted to greet you. I wanted to be your friend so bad because you were so fucking stunning. I couldn't, though, I was too nervous. You took my breath away. And then a couple days later when we were working on an assignment, you asked me for help. I still remember feeling so happy. You could've asked anyone, but you chose me. And we started talking more and more. I felt so gay whenever I looked at you. So gay, I swear."

I choke out a laugh, my tears gathering on my pillow. My lips trembled into a smile, loving to hear him describe how he felt.

"That day that you came in crying, I knew something serious had happened, and all I wanted to do was make you happy. So I hugged you, and you let me. We talked some more, and I gave you my number. I knew it was risky doing that, but I didn't care."

I remember most of that day. I felt like shit. I felt worthless. I had told myself that no one gave a shit about me. I was so alone. But he was there.

"I love you so much. I love you so much, Jisung. You will never understand how much I love you. I would go to hell and back for you."

I sobbed quietly into my pillow. He doesn't understand how much I love him either. I'd die for him. I'm not just saying that either.
I mean it.

"I wish I could take all of your pain away or at least share it. I have no clue how you're able to do it everyday, to have the motivation to even get up. I know it's hard, that's what I know. You need to know that you are so strong. You are the strongest person I have ever known in my entire life. You do so well in life, and I bet you don't even know it. But you do so good. You are such a good person. To me, you are absolutely perfect."