Why So Lonely? || Minsung 1/3 ✔️

112

I sit at the table with my family. It was silent. A thousand strings were playing in my head. I didn't want to speak. I didn't want to lift my head.

I was the only one feeling this. My dad was eating fine. My mom was drinking her water. Heetuk was eating his food. I could feel the awkwardness coming from him.

"How's work been going?" My dad speaks up, directing the question to Heetuk.

I led my fork into my mouth, stopping myself from splurging out curse words. My fingers clenched the skin of my thigh, pain coursing through my leg. I didn't stop. I needed a distraction besides the food that made me sick.

"It's been fine. Not the best job, but it works for now," my brother responds, pausing his movements to answer.

"You know, I could always get you a job at my workplace."

I stand up, grasping my plate. I look over to my mom, "are you done with your food?"

She can hear what's happening inside my head. She nods, handing me her plate. I take it, ignoring the look my dad is giving me. As I begin to walk past Heetuk, I stop. I stand there, thinking I could say something to him, only to walk to the kitchen again.

My heart is pounding slow again. I lift my legs up the stairs, holding my phone to my ear. My thigh was aching, as if I had dug too far.

- - - - -

Calling Big Baddie 😈

"Jisung?"

"Can you pick me up?"

"I'll be there. Jeongin is with me."

"Thank you."

- - - - -

I pick up my school bag, hauling it over my shoulder. Wiping my eyes, I take a shaky breath. Sending a text to my mom about where I'm going, I rush down the stairs to the front door.

I look toward Heetuk's car, peering into the dark windows. I stared at my reflection. I was running away again.

I hear car tires scratch against the street, having me look up. Keeping my head low, I enter the car.

"What happened, hyungie?" Jeongin questions, being in the backseat to comfort me.

I shook my head, "I-I couldn't take it." A baseball grew in my throat. Before I knew it, I was scrunched into a ball in Jeongin's arms. I cried, sputtering out nonsense. "Why n-now? It was going fine. I-I got new friends. I got Minho. Why now?"

They both said nothing, letting me spew what I needed. The youngest stroked my head, massaging the back of my neck.

"I'm so tired, Innie. I'm so fucking tired of everything."

Chan drove the car quietly, glancing in the mirror a few times to look at me. Rain started up, hitting the windows and making little plop noises. It was nice. It set the mood.

"E-every time I see him, I can't help but get sick. I can't help but think of that day. I was screaming for him not to leave. They weren't home. I was the one to tell them. I
r-remember how hard my heart was beating. I remember the headache that made my eyes blurry."

Chan slowed, letting the car roll to a stop. The air was heavy. The rain was silent, although it kept hitting the windows. I wanted to let all of my pain out, but I couldn't. My heart hurt. How does mental pain turn into physical?

"I lie to Minho, and I hate it," I whisper, "I should've told him about tonight, but I can't face it. I'm stuck. I need help. I didn't think it was a big deal. I told him I was okay when I wasn't. I lie to him about this, and I lie to him about my nightmares. Every time I sleep, my dreams seek to kill me. Every time I'm awake, my memories come to haunt me. I just want to end it all."

"No, Jisung, we refuse to let you end anything. We're here, Sungie, we're here. We'll help you, I promise. You'll get through this. You will be okay. You'll be okay."

Jeongin's reassurance doesn't reassure. It just frightens me. I know they're here, but what'll happen when they're not?

"We love you. Stop thinking," Chan says, "be in the moment with us here, okay? Stay with us. You're going to be okay. All of us are with you. We will push you to do great. We will help. That's a promise, Jisung."

I nod, closing my eyes, "I'm sorry. I need to apologize for this, so let me. I'm sorry for always calling at the worst times. I'm sorry for stressing you out when I refuse to talk to you. I'm sorry for not accepting the help you offer. That's my fault, I know it is. I trust you all. Thank you both for being here."

"Of course we'll always be here. We will never leave you. Never. Not in a million years. You're stuck with us. We're not leaving you alone."

I was finally able to take a breath when he said that. I wouldn't usually trust those words, not after what Heetuk said, but these are my friends. Friends for life. I trust them to the fullest.

"I love you guys."

_____

•I'm gonna update early because I have a long drive ahead of me with family, and I am insanely tired. So enjoy :)•