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by CarmenKB

by CarmenKB

"Where the fuck are you, you fucking bastard?" The older lady's voice echoed in my head while I ran to the backdoor. The boy was no where to be seen.

I pushed on it, the wooden barrier getting stuck for a second before breaking open. I could feel the panic in my head. I run across the long grass covered in filth to the tall gate.

Pushing on it, it wouldn't budge. The lock. It was locked? It's never been locked before. Why is it locked? My hands found the metal, shaking it and screwing around with the lock.

"Jisung! Where the fuck did you go!"

I could feel my breathing move faster. Spiders crawled upon my legs while I heard a dog angrily barking behind me.

"Oh Jisung."

1:39am

My eyes snap open, my breathing a bit heavy. My arms are pinned on either side of my head. I was lying completely on my back while staring at the ceiling. It felt as if someone had been holding me down, but I had done it myself.

I quickly shake out my arms, sitting up and turning on my side lamp. I run a hand across my face, looking over my now lit room.

I grab the water bottle I keep in my room and take a swing from it, my throat feeling less dry after doing so.

Sighing, I rest against my pillows, not wanting to sleep knowing that the nightmare will just continue from where it left off or start from the beginning.

This nightmare was a reoccurring one. I was always in my own house before deciding to go see whoever it was in the old lady's house. I don't know who the boy is, but he's there. The lady has never been able to walk before, but there she came, and she had a fucking dog.

Just thinking about it made me shudder. God, I really need something to stop these. This amount of nightmares isn't good. Maybe I should take sleeping pills from the doctor.

No, Jisung, you don't need them. It'll just be money down the drain.

Stress is the thing that causes these fuckers. I'm stressed all the time; I had family issues, major ones. Issues with people at school. Anxiety about my relationship with Minho. School pushing me too hard. Things that I just couldn't comprehend.

Sudden anxiety hit me when I started thinking more, my breath following along. The more you think, the more negative you get. Stop thinking so much.

"Breathe, Jisung, you're fine," I inhale through my nose and out of my mouth. "You're okay," I tell myself, the words and voice familiar. I'm so used to calming myself down.

I don't want to anymore. I want to let myself suffer because god knows I need it. Mostly everything that's happened has been my fault. I couldn't help but take the blame and anxiety of it. But I don't feel like having a breakdown tonight.

I instead open my phone, pulling up Spotify and quietly began to play my music. Whenever I would get like this, I'd always play The Rose. Their music is just something that calms me down, unlike really any other music.

I lay there, listening to She's In The Rain. Why couldn't I just sleep well for once? What was so wrong with my brain? Everything was fine yesterday.

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