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by CarmenKB

by CarmenKB

We have to go back down to the cafeteria to get Changbin. I didn't want to face my friends. I wanted to sit in his car and wait. I kept my head down when we arrived. I could see Minho's arm.

"Changbin."

I could hear him whisper something. Then there was shuffling. I was glad the other students were so loud in there. I take a glance up, seeing Changbin kiss Felix and Chan go to Jeongin.

Before I can look too long, I'm blinded by a navy blue t-shirt. Warmth encases me. I sigh into him, letting myself be held. I feel his lips touch my forehead in a kiss.

"I love you."

My arms wrap around him, pulling him closer. I squeeze my eyelids shut. I couldn't say anything back. I should, but I can't. I'll end up sobbing my heart out in front of everyone.

I feel his grip loosen, so I let it. I can't look him in the eyes. As much as I love
him, I need to get out of here.

I look at my hyungs. Changbin tries smiling. Chan wraps his arm around me. "We'll take care of him. Don't worry."

"I know you will. Be safe."

And we walk out.

I stare out into the streets of Korea. Again. How could this happen again? Was he purposefully plotting against us? Wanting to blame mom so he could escape? What happened? Why did he want to leave so bad?

I knew why. Our parents were overbearing at points. Mom and him never got along. My dad... they have more of a bond, but my dad has always been an asshole. I love him, but fuck, he pisses me off.

But why me? All those promises he made. Every single one of them broken. He's nothing but a liar. My heart can't stand this. It breaks over and over again. It never gets time to heal. It keeps getting stepped on.

It hurts so bad, and I don't know what to do. I want to lay in bed. Be numb of it. Why do I still care so much? Why do I still yearn for my brother? Why? It's clear he doesn't give a shit.

So why do I?

"Hey, out of your head," Changbin pats my shoulder. I blink three times, glancing at my hands. My nails were digging into my skin.

"Yeah, sorry."

"Are you hungry? You didn't eat at school," Chan points out, glancing at me.

"Not really."

"Are you sure? We can order your favorite. Do you want to sleep?"

I wanted to be unconscious. Be unaware. Be at peace. I didn't give a fuck about eating. I just wanted to have a normal life again. Or a better one.

I lean against the window, swallowing the lump in my throat. I was screaming inside of my head. It was so loud. "Sleep."

They both knew I hated sleeping. I still do. But in this moment, it's all I wanted. Sleep. Cry. Sleep. Cry. Sleep. Become numb. Why haven't I become numb to this yet? Why does it hurt as much as it did the last time? You'd think the pain would die down as life went on.

Closing my eyes, I sigh. I have a headache.