[▶] for safekeeping.

supposed to

song: supposed to - BLÜ EYES
lines in italics are song lyrics.

-

"I know I'm supposed to hate you and wish we never met"

But I'd be lying if I said that.

Even now, three years on - I still dream of you in such detail. And I dream so often.

I've always been the kind of person who lucid dreams - and it's like I'm living in an alternate universe whenever I do. All my thoughts are conscious. I am conscious. And I have thoughts to myself like I do in every day life, and I know when things are just a dream. That's why, so often, I feel this lingering sense of sadness knowing when things aren't real - because I know it'll have to end soon.

Last night I dreamt I saw you again. And we held each other tight and just laid there, talking, enjoying the warmth of the other as we just laid there, arms around each other, my head resting on your chest and your fingers dancing on the curve of my arm.

I sat up for a bit, and I looked at you. I thought of telling you that I still keep the jar you gave me on my desk - the one you gave me at the start of the year three years ago, when we were still talking, full of compliments and book recommendations and pick-up lines and inspirational quotes and study tips and everything you thought I'd need and hoped would make my year better. I looked at you, eyes shining as you looked off in the distance, your arm still around me.

I thought of telling you. But I didn't. I thought, "That can wait. We should talk about everything else while we're still here - while we still have the chance."

So I didn't tell you. I just laid my head back down as we continued to talk as we realised how much we missed each other and the other's presence after all these years.

It's not like we ended on bad terms. We simply stopped having things to talk about. I started drawing into myself because things were getting bad - really bad, it stayed that way for the rest of the year, if not even worse - and you were never one to try and stay when things didn't really work anymore.

But now all I see of you is glimpses of stories on Instagram and brief posts  -

and how much I realised I missed the sound of your voice when I got caught off guard watching one of your videos one day.

I hadn't heard that laugh or that voice in so long. But there it was.

"Still I would never take it back"

And indeed I wouldn't.

I miss you. I still do.

But I'd never change what we had for the world.

And even though you were the first one who told me, "I'll never forget you", and now I wonder about the validity of that statement -

I told you then, "I won't forget you either."

And that's still true.

- signed, bella -