[▶] for safekeeping.

april enchanté

God, if I could have one more chance
even just one
just to see him again
please let me have it.

maybe it sounds weak.
selfish.
spineless.
but I don't want to have to go through the same thing again
I don't want to have to leave someone again
I don't want to have to say goodbye
again
without any sense of closure.
I still haven't fully sewn up the last gaping hole in my heart
from the last time.
I don't know if I can take another shot
to it
again.

maybe it was a delusion
I feel like I will never know.
I never really have, have I?
but God, please
let me see him again.
at least if it is for one last time
I'll know.

but right now I can't let go.
not when our last words to each other were
"I'll see you again? around...
eventually."
"eventually!"

I thought I would see him again.

so many things about it hurt, and I
will never be able to just pop in with a text of
"hey, how are you?"
because conversation is awkward over a screen
but being in person with him. there.
was comfortable.

I wish I knew when I was overthinking and when I wasn't.

because maybe the way he stood a little closer
was all in my mind.
maybe the way he went in for a hug
a second time
wasn't more than anything purely friendly.
he made me realise so many things.
maybe that was the pure point of those six days
I got to see him again.
and actually get to know him
a little bit more.

I miss him.
and I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope he thinks of me too.

because I think
everytime I see someone who looks like him
in build or profile or back
my heart catches a little more
because I know it isn't him but I can't help thinking of him anyway.
heart cinching in a little bit more everytime
a twitch of the lip
a blink of an eyelash

I never know what to think.

I think my problem lies in always falling for the people I can never truly have.

I think it's a flaw.

is it?

- fin -